Running In Place

This week. This week has been hard. This thing has been the hardest thing I’ve yet done in my life. Friday I found myself in the doc’s office with a blood pressure of 170/102, which is a little higher than is generally appreciated (though far from life threatening in any case). He started me on a BP med, though the thought is that this is more of a situational problem – stress, anxiety, some poor self-care over the past few (or more) months – so the meds will hopefully address the immediacy of it but not necessarily be a lifelong thing. Though, I guess if that were the case, so be it. But the bigger issue, with my body and with my psyche, is – what’s next?? I’ve been in utter stasis for a long while now, living some other life in my mind – and now that the other life actually could blossom, I am still static – in truth, mourning. I kind of thought that, as soon as I moved out, I would just happily and magically be this other person, living this other – amazingly free and joyful – life. What choice did I have?? Condescending Co-Worker pointed out, as I sniffled at my desk, that I have been living in Pretend Land. And I wanted to hate her for it, but she was right. And I know it’s only been a week, and god knows it’s all really complicated, and the real answer is that I’m not going to be all-of-a-sudden New & Improved, but clearly – I have to take a step.

As this is an alleged running blog. Let me start here. I don’t have to tell you that I haven’t done anything more than sporadic running in some time. In August, when all the shit really came down, I had some really good runs – passionate, appreciative, therapeutic. Why I don’t always tap into that, when I know it’s right there, is a mystery to me. But I focused myself elsewhere – in avoidance, in routine, in the notion that I had to be present for others and not so much my self. But, you see, in a lot of ways, my role is changing entirely. In a perfect world, you just make the shift – there, all set. In the real world, it’s hard to die to your own (and other people’s) image of you. But maybe the dieing is part of the becoming.

And so, I have a plan.

Ok, not really ‘whatever’ – actually 1 week today. Shouldn’t every thing be great by now?

No matter. Check out the horse farm.

Time time time – it just takes time.

It was not a bad day, though I seem to have developed a sort of flatness. Not sorrow, or joy. Just, I don’t know, vacancy. Maybe some internal protective measure? Frankly, I would rather feel something. No matter, I suppose. It will pass. Every thing passes.

I made a dent in the kitchen. I called Deb (my landlady) in to listen to that noise – though there evidently isn’t a noise, to speak of. That is to say that my ears are learning a new set of sounds – the creaks in the floor, the baseboard heater, the coyotes – and they are as loud as crashing cymbals right now. So I immediately expose myself as a little bit crazy – saying, “don’t you hear that…..listen! Do you hear it now??” Hopefully she won’t ever see my ‘check the stove 3 times before you leave’ routine. She is kind though, and brought me quiche later.

The kid took me out so I could shop for a TV. Being newly licensed, I think he felt pretty good about picking me up and chauffeuring me around. Being the expert in all things PS 3, X-box, HDTV, and such as, he also felt uniquely qualified to advise my electronics purchases. In the end, to his disappointment, and my perfect satisfaction, I got the simplest little box I could find. It did make me happy to hang with him for a few hours.

I got my first call on my new home phone line – it was a wrong number. But! I have a pink bed! I went to the little girls’ section and got the most princess-y of sheet sets. I held off on getting the pink crown nightlight. Though I may go back for that once I’m feeling a little more royal again. So, life balances out I guess.

The Weeping Song

Go son, go down to the water
And see the women weeping there
Then go up into the mountains
The men, they are weeping too

Father, why are all the women weeping?
They are weeping for their men
Then why are all the men there weeping?
They are weeping back at them

This is a weeping song
A song in which to weep
While all the men and women sleep
This is a weeping song
But I won’t be weeping long

Father, why are all the children weeping?
They are merely crying son
O, are they merely crying, father?
Yes, true weeping is yet to come

This is a weeping song
A song in which to weep
While all the men and women sleep
This is a weeping song
But I won’t be weeping long

O father tell me, are you weeping?
Your face seems wet to touch
O then I’m so sorry, father
I never thought I hurt you so much

This is a weeping song
A song in which to weep
While we rock ourselves to sleep
This is a weeping song
But I won’t be weeping long
But I won’t be weeping long
But I won’t be weeping long
But I won’t be weeping long
~ Nick Cave

The horse farm is beautiful. I love this apartment. After only a few hours I can stand in the center of it and feel I. live. here.

Still. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. As foolish as it sounds, I had no idea I would be so sad. So very sad.

But someone I love told me I’m gonna make it after all!

In fact, sang the whole MTM song to me. Which was as painful as it was sweet. But still – it is true – I won’t be weeping long.

And thank you. So much. All the words of comfort do mean so much. I surprise myself that I am compelled to share this stuff, in this way. And then these people, these friends – some met, some unmet – just reach on out. And I am humbled. But grateful.

the fast and dirty.

The old man and I are separating. Sixteen years come and gone…

It’s not as bad as it sounds – I mean, we came to a mutual agreement which we are both feeling very right about. In fact, ironically – or tragically, if you prefer – our relationship is better than it’s been in some time. I really believe that, when it’s all said and done, our friendship will remain. It’s been strong enough to sustain a marriage this long. Maybe I’ll make a better girlfriend than wife.

Now it all begins. I’ll be moving in a couple of weeks to a sweet-awesome little apartment on a horse farm. And I can ride the horses when ever I want. Do you remember a lifetime ago, when I said I wished I could be around horses more? Don’t ever say the Universe doesn’t have a sense of humor!

It’s the beginning of a great adventure.

By the way, don’t miss checking out Jack’s report on the Canandaigua 50. The dude’s got heart!