Running In Place

Don’t you just love how some people managed to make my post all about themselves?? Geez Jon!

Now then, back to moi’. First of all, thank you for the check in’s on Facebook and in comments - even though I was so rude as to leave them unanswered, they meant alot, and ultimately prompted me to bless you with the vocal stylings of David Soul. Because what better way to express myself than through the crooning head of a 70’s TV heartthrob as he lip syncs, badly, and makes smug facial gestures that seem to say “c’mon baby it’s no big deal, just get back in bed - you know you want me.” In any case, I will expand on what David had to say and tell you that I am alive, I am breathing, I’m not running, but I do believe I’m approaching the light end of a dark tunnel.

Here’s the scoop:

First of all, I think I might have intimated awhile back that this turned out to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. If I didn’t tell you that, I will tell you now - ending a marriage and divising the life that will follow is really. fucking. hard. I’m not giving news to anyone who’s been through it, it’s just that I had no idea. None. Especially since our break was amicable, mutual, entirely agreed upon. I cannot even fathom what it must be like when it’s a one-sided decision, or there is animosity, because I would have considered this the best possible scenario and it still sucked. Sucked horribly and terribly. And I was completely unprepared for that - as was he. We both just thought we’d go from married to good friends in the snap of a finger so we didn’t protect ourselves emotionally, and both ended up terribly raw. And it wasn’t about feeling that it was a mistake, or thoughts of re-uniting - it was about the loss. The dying to each other. The re-making of an intertwined life into 2 separate ones. I don’t mind telling you now, I was in despair. And stuck, and fearful, and just feeling empty of meaning. I knew enough to know that I was in mourning, and that - although when you are in the midst of it you can’t easily comprehend, or believe - time does ease grief. It has to, we could not survive if it did not. And so, in time, the load has lightened - for both of us, as we are now able to communicate on a comfortable enough level to start making plans for the kid going to college in the fall, and for the legal separation agreement that we will finally be filing. Why not just get a divorce? Ask New York State why it’s so fucking difficult and let me know if you get a satisfactory answer. In any case, things are smoothing - and it is such a relief.

But wait, there’s more! I’m not promising when I’m gonna post again so I’ll give you the whole damn deal up front. You see, there is this guy…..

I have known D. for 22 years. I was 18 and he was 25 when I first met him, when we worked together at the restaurant. Until I began seeing Brian 6 years later, D. and I had an on again/off again romantic relationship - and always a friendship on those in-between times. Once I was with Brian, we maintained our friendship (he came to our wedding) - sometimes we might only talk once every several months, or see each other for a visit once a year when he was in town, but we always kept connected. So, you can see where this is going right? Relationship rekindled - but all these years later, two grown-ups with much more emotional experience, it is 1000 times better than when we said we loved each other so many years ago. And so, I am leaving the horse farm and moving to Ithaca to be with him. And I am walking on air.

In my circle of friends and family, some have told me they are so happy for me, others have clucked and suggested that I’m being a little rash - that it smells of a rebound. I’ve thought about that, in fact labored under some guilt about it for awhile, and I decided that in the end, I can only say this: I am in love, I am happy, I am starting a new adventure - a new chapter - and frankly, I have very little to lose for just straight-up following my heart. I don’t own a home any more, I’ve only got two portable cats depending on me for food and water, I’m in a profession where I can throw a stone and find a job - you tell me - what have I got to lose? I don’t know who composed it but there’s a fitting quote that says: “When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But … that is not what great ships are built for.” I don’t know that I’m such a great ship, but if I can still float I might oughta want to sail.

And so, there is the news. I am moving at the end of March and, though it’s a little ways away, it doesn’t feel like nearly enough time for packing and job hunting and just generally coordinating - but, at the same time, I wish it was tomorrow - I wish it was yesterday.

And P.S. Jon, I plan on being at the ‘08 Boilermaker so, if you are coming, we can either stay at my sister’s place in Forestport with her 3 daughters and 7 huskies or we can split a hotel room (I have a friend at the Radison dude!) - but remember what the Fonz said about divorcees’….

- they’re hot to trot!