Prescience…
I would have never imagined when I started this blog more than 2 years ago, what an appropriate name I gave it. I mean, seriously, have you ever met a supposed runner who spent more time standing still?? And I’m so delusional that, in my mind, I’m still running. I mean, I’m registered for the Boilermaker, right? And I’m going to be training for a marathon, you see. So – clearly – I am a runner. I’ll be running tomorrow…next week…soon. I think that the sorrowful fact is apparent: Running broke up with me a long time ago. I am the clingy ex who continues to fabricate a relationship based on fantasy and wistfulness. I keep imagining that Running is just around the next corner, waiting to embrace me, and that it’s just unlucky circumstances and flukes that have prolonged our reuniting. In the meanwhile, I’ll make constructive use of my time by dropping almost 2-large on a fancy ass bike that’s way out of my league, complete with all the unnecessary accessories that a newb like me should dorkily flaunt. I’ll spend half my time being terrified to snap my shoes to the pedals and the other half trying to destroy the damn thing by dropping my chain all over the place and riding the brakes all the way down each hill. I’ll brave the terrifying waters of a 20 meter pool and learn to swim again so that I can dog paddle laps while dodging senior citizens with flotation belts and sytrofoam dumbells, all the while pretending that this will somehow magically translate into swimming a 1/2 mile in an actual lake. And don’t even get me started on the shaving rash in the bikini area.
I keep thinking that I’m handling this separation with some bit of dignity, but I’m still too hung up on the old days. I feel like Running should know that, in truth, I don’t care about these others. I try to. I want to. I tell myself that, if I give it time, we’ll make a connection and I’ll learn to appreciate them in the same way. But it’s not the same. And I don’t want them in that way, anyway. I don’t want it to be the same, I don’t want it to feel as good. It’s not that I dislike them (ok, I might dislike Biking a little), but in the end I just want to be friends. I don’t think I can love them, and that makes me sad because I don’t think Running loves me. So I am feeling very alone.
Comment by Mark
Tuesday June 06 2006 @ 9:48 pm
oh dear. *sniff* and *hug*
Such a wonderfully written sad kinda post. Take care girl.