Running In Place

Yes, so, Saturday was a sweet day. A year ago that day, I ran my first race. A frightening 3.1 miles! And I was frightened. If I remember right, I had not even yet run that full distance - I walked up to the starting line not only fearing that I would be “too slow” but not even sure that I could make it the whole way. On that day, that distance felt like the greatest challenge ever. And, of course, I was struggling mightily with the insecurities of my image of myself and my running.

What am I doing here?? I’m not a real runner. People are going to laugh at me because I don’t belong with this group.

But, at the end of the day, I had met my goal, I felt proud and strong, and I fell in love with running races! The changing of my self-image, the ability to embrace myself as a runner and not feel somehow a failure because I wasn’t as fast as most, and the end to the question do I belong here came over the course of that year. But the process started that day.

So, as you can imagine, I was really looking forward to returning to this race - not because I would have a better time after a year of experience (though that would be nice too) but because it made me happy to begin at the beginning again. To remember how daunting my goals seemed at the time and how I was able to meet each one - scared but determined - and to put it in the context of the goal I have before me this year, so that I can continue to balance those fears with that determination.

Anyway, back to the present. The weather for this year’s Chilly Chili was right fine. The temp was cool, maybe 18 or 20F I’d guess, but the sun was out and it wasn’t snowing. The roads were, for the most part, clear with some greasy slushy stuff here and there but not the snow covered roads of last year. The start was in a different spot with less traffic and so the route was modified somewhat but still plenty hilly There were a few hundred more runners this year as well.

I took my place at the near back and jumped around, trying to stay warm. I think they must have decided to forego the national anthem and any housekeeping announcements, or I totally missed them, because everyone was just talking and jogging in place and then there was the start gun going off. As usual, EVERYONE was passing me in the first mile, but I’m so ok with that now because I know I’ll see at least some of them again in a short while.

I hadn’t been sure what to expect from myself, given my little lapse in training. My time last year was 38:19 and I felt pretty good about surpasing that, but by how much I just didn’t know - 34ish maybe? I was pretty surprised and happy when I hit the first mile marker at 10:36 - which I crossed in the middle of heading up a big ol’ hill. As for subsequent splits - damned if I saw any other mile markers. I don’t know if I missed them, which I admitedly often do - but man, I really was looking for them! Anyway, time aside, the next mile had a good amount of uphill as well, but I was chugging, and I was starting to pass folks. You know what I love? When you pull up alongside someone, or they pull up alongside you, at a difficult time, and there’s no words - but you know you’re pushing each other and keeping each other going. Eventually, one pulls ahead and runs on. But for that piece of time there is (or at least I feel) an unspoken camaraderie. Maybe the other person is really thinking “I wish I could pass this bitch” but I prefer my more romantic perspective. In any case, I had a few of those types of encounters on my way up the various hills. I also have to say, I really feel the little bit of hill training in the couple of weeks prior did the trick because I felt like I stayed strong. Blessedly, mile 3+ was flat and downhill, save for a small uphill incline just before the finish (the dirty birds!). I opened up as much as I could with the greasy spots on the road and all - and here is where I passed several more people. You know you’ve blown your wad too soon when you’re walking a downhill (I say this because I’ve done it, you see). Heading towards the finish, I pulled up next to a young girl (well young as in 10 or so years junior) and we were side by side, working hard. A friend of her’s who had finished already joined her to run the last little bit and keep her going. Even though his words of encouragement - you’re almost there, just over this little hill and around the bend, you’re doing great, you’ve got it - were meant for her, I greedily grabbed them for myself and kept up the pace with them. Just in the finishing stretch, we came up on four dudes all in matching jackets from some nearby tech school. They were jogging leisurely, it appeared, like four identical little princes - side by side. A nice. Slow. Human chain. Standing between me and the finish line, as the runnable road had narrowed significantly. Just as I was about to slow my pace and spend the next several seconds in a royal snit (because I’m pretty much a pacifist or whatever), the girl I’d been running beside freaking slammed through the defensive line and made for the finish!! The second I saw her make her move, I followed suit - I didn’t look back to see if the faces of the Little Lord Fauntleroys were tear streaked at the affront, I just followed my girl. The aggressive move gave me the best rush for a finishing kick and she and I were neck and neck! In the end we were so close when we came up on the chute that I literally would have had to elbow her in the neck to get her behind me. I wasn’t quite stoked enough to be that aggressive so I relented and fell behind. But what’s 1 second between friends who have never spoken a word to each other. Thanks Lauren, you busted up the boys club right fine!

In the end - official time (chiptime this year!) was 32:14. That time makes me happy because it’s a nice surprise, being faster than I was anticipating - but also a nice testament, to myself personally, of my growth as a runner. A year ago on that day, a huge unknown spread out in front of me and each step was its own challenge because I just didn’t know if I could do it or not. On this day, I didn’t know how fast I would run or how well I would do, but I felt certain that I would persevere.

This is the beginning of the collection - the re-experiences. Last year, I ran a number of races for the first time - this year I will revisit them with slightly different eyes, different knowledge, different experience. And that’s unique to me too. And so flippin’ exciting!