Running In Place

Ok, here’s the real story. The story of why I, more or less, stopped running over the past several weeks - and when I did run, it was joyless. It’s probably all pretty obvious stuff to the rest of the running world but it’s probably a good insight, for me, into what motivates me. Which I am continually learning.

Why the stall? Why the silence? Why the angst? Cause after the half I got me a coach. What’s this?? you say, Aren’t coaches supposed to make you better, rather than suck? Aren’t they supposed to encourage you to run, instead of curling up on the couch with a plate-load of microwave s’mores? You’d think, huh?

So, you know, here I am after the half, and I’m thinking What’s next?? Which is a great way to think! Granted, I was a little deflated now that my immediate goal had been met and I was feeling kind of directionless but the feeling of Yeah baby! Let’s go!!! was right there too. Marathon came to mind, of course - and that was fun to think about - but I wasn’t quite ready to embrace that notion. I wanted to improve over the winter months in a measurable way and that logically led to speed. I wanted to get faster but I wanted to do it in a non-stupid way, where injury-prone me wouldn’t blow out a quad or something while doing speedwork. So I signed up with an on-line coach whose newsletters I’d been getting for awhile. I told him my history of running thus far, and my goals. He was encouraging and enthusiastic and I was totally psyched to begin this new endeavor in self-improvement.

Now let me say that this really isn’t about criticizing the coach. There were a few things that I was not totally happy with, but ultimately, he did what coaches do - he pushed me. And I did PR (I think) after I started running his plan. But there were a couple of things that were troublesome - and again, not necessarily a fault of his. First off - I am conservative. Maybe the upshot is that if you really want to rock you can’t be conservative (I’m not sure I believe that but it also depends on your definition of “rock” ). I am really afraid of injury! I have been ever since the stress fracture. I’m not the first person to have a running injury and I certainly am not the person with the worst of injuries ever. But I know that I don’t want to mess around with it again if I ever can help it. I think I’ve downgraded myself from hysterically paranoid to generally worried, and I consider that progress. Secondly, his plan basically entailed run fast every day. There were various degrees of painful - the hill day was slow up/fast down, the long day was run above comfortable and speed up at the end, and the other 2 days were run fast and then run faster with the post script that “this should hurt.” I’m sure this is very likely what having a coach is all about - they’re supposed to push you farther. Continued insult results in adaptation - or extinction.

The upshot is that, though I physically didn’t get injured, I totally, mentally, burned out. And pretty quickly too. There was no joy. I won’t pretend that running a faster 5K didn’t feel awesome - it totally did! But, for me, getting there kind of wasn’t worth the while. What does that mean?? It’s hard: I want to just run, and be able to just love the running but I also want to get better - the more I do, the more I want to do. What I need to do is define my own concept of better. And I guess I am doing that, this whole experience has been part of that. Because how fast or far I run means something to me - it means enough to me to want to make it better - but the subtle and wonderful intangibles of running, that which makes me love it and seek it out and feel more whole because of it, are wrapped up in the doing of it. The process and the goal are inextricably entwined. This is not to say that I will never run an uncomfortable run again, that I won’t push myself to go faster or farther towards my goals - cause there’s love there too. So my one word (late in coming but, for me, worth the wait) for 2006 is: BALANCE. There’s so much I want to do, and I’m ready to work hard for it - but not so hard that I forget why it really matters.
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Briefly, I ran today in nearly 40F weather! This is generally the time of our January sub-zero period, and yet I was out in a fleece with no gloves. And the sun came out. And the trail was nearly clear of snow. And it was pretty much the first day that I felt the love again, and I was so grateful that I was able to be patient enough to keep at it until it came back around to me.
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Susie (Susan) - yes I’m slowly adjusting - tagged me for some FOUR THINGS things and I have them all typed up and rareing to go but I’ve gone on long enough for now. Maybe my New Year resolution should be to have my posts be more often and less lengthy (though I’m sure this idea would be very upsetting to David ). So next time with the Four Things. And more about running. Cause I’m doing it. And I’m loving it.