Running In Place

Well, there is no word forthcoming from the south so, at this point, my life will continue on its merry way. It’s not ruled out that I might still be called upon but I highly doubt that anything is going to come together in the next few days anyway. I really thought this one was coming together because it was being coordinated by a hospice down there. There’s not so much need for people filling emergency medical or acute care roles at this point but there is supposedly a big need for the grief/loss/bereavement specialties and, well, that’s my gig, so I figured it might be happening this time. Not that it still can’t, but my window of time is closing - and I have to admit, I’m getting a little pissed off about all the false starts. Yeah, it’s not about me, it’s mostly my ego.

Anyway, THIS post is really about running. It’s about running my first 1/2 marathon!! It’s about thinking ‘ok, I’m gonna be here to do it/ok, I’m not/oh, yes it looks like I am/nope, probably not/oops, I guess so’. It’s about feeling well prepared, except for that freaking hip thing that won’t go away despite nearly 2 months of PT! And it’s about being anxiousnervousexcited - but after my last run, mostly WAY EXCITED!!

This was yesterday evening. This was after skipping a couple of runs in the last days of my taper, days of having sat on my butt for hours at a time getting trained on an utterly flawed software program that I will, in turn, have to train some other nurses on (and, P.S., they are being complete bitches about the whole thing! In case you didn’t know - change is bad and if you are miserable and resistant enough it will go away and never come back. Right???). Days that I just succumbed to an utter lethargy. BUT. Yesterday afternoon I walked out of the office, intent on ignoring my bag of running clothes that had been riding untouched in the back seat for a few days now. What a beautiful time it was - sunny, warm but not hot, a touch humid but it felt good after being in air-conditioned hell all day. I thought you are insane if you do not run a mile, a 1/2 mile, hell go for a walk, something. Anything. So I went back in and changed, I drove to the towpath I knew was the shadiest, and I set off.

I set my watch for 20 minutes out and 20 back, I strapped on the mp3 player and I just cruised. To describe this run, really - well, I’m just not literally talented enough - but I’ll tell you the factors that were in play: The weather was summer-nice. Warm, a little humid but not oppressive, sun not yet setting but getting low. A nice contrast - there actually are quite alot of fallen leaves on the trail, making for much underfoot crunching. As I was running out, facing the sun, I moved in and out of the shade. With the low sun, and my sunglasses on, it had the effect of a strobe light. It accentuated the color of the trees and grass and water and dirt. I had this feeling of sharpened senses, higher acuity. At the same time, I was listening to my total favorite running partner and he’s talking about living life to the fullest. So here’s me, on a nice short run, in a nice easy pace, with the nearly-fall sun showing itself softly through the trees where it can, listening to a story about a guy who did not necessarily live demonstrably - but lived fully while he did, and feeling totally entirely completely keyed into the moment. You know when you feel that heart-swell instant in a movie, where it all fits together and takes your breath away? Like that. Elongated. A wonderful convergence of circumstances. A week or more of stress, concern, frustration, blah blah blah. Gone.

Tomorrow evening my husband, son, and I will take off for a north country lake. We’ll have a nice couple of getaway days that we all need and want. I love those guys and we will, as we pretty much always do, have a great time together. They will kindly hang around while I make my way through my most imposing distance yet. I’m nervous, but I’m not scared. I expect challenge, I expect discomfort. My blissful three and a half mile run yesterdy does not make me impervious to the 1/2 M mid-mile mind screams of WHY did I ever want to do this?? but I’ve got alot of bliss to draw from so I think I’m gonna be ok.