Running In Place

I hope.

The week has not ended with the promise that began it. My shin pain-free run on Tuesday was evidently a fluke and yesterday’s run was flat out shitty.

But, as my title implies, I am not going to view it through the lens of success/failure, but rather in terms of what I am learning. About running. About not running. About my body. About my ego. About the fallacy of control. And other assorted silly things too – like Don’t Forget the Bug Spray.

Tuesday
As I mentioned earlier in the week, this was a nice run with a new friend which left me very optimistic.
Distance – 3 miles
Time – 32:05
Avg. pace – 10:42
Effort – hard 8 of 10 with a full belly

Wednesday
Well, I got out of my PJ’s anyway, but not much farther.

Thursday
This run was pretty much fine except that I strapped up my shin wrap too tight and it began to cause some disturbing pains in other areas of my leg so I took it off after the first 3/4 mile and ran without. Afterwards, the shin started speaking to me again.
Distance – 3.1 miles
Time – 33:48
Avg. pace – 10:54
Effort – 7-8 of 10

Friday
Went out for my first significant bike ride – 14 miles on the rolling hills around my area. I almost said gently rolling hills but there were 2 times that I had to get off and walk. I really enjoyed it but found that, for me – and being new to it, I find biking alot harder than running. My heart didn’t work as hard but my legs were screaming!!

Saturday
Regarding this day, I can only say – WAH! In keeping with my lower mileage this week, I had 5 miles planned for my longest run. Truth be told – I was totally not into it from the start. It was a really beautiful day with warm sunshine and a nice breeze and, by rights, I should have been clamoring to get out the door. Instead, I was dragging my feet and really reluctant, although I had no specific complaint or reason why I shouldn’t run. Finally, I strapped on the shin wrap – looser this time – and headed to the canal. I started a slow warm-up and in just a couple of minutes felt terrible. My legs were incredibly heavy and I just didn’t seem to have the strength to lift them off the ground. I was breathing heavily and struggling from the outset. Of course, at this point it’s dawning on me that yesterday’s hilly bike ride might not have been appropriately timed, but I figured if I kept going, things would smooth out.

I resolved to go slow and easy so I could get the 5 in without killing myself but after the first mile I was already making mental deals to go 4 and see how I felt. I was aware of the sensation of my feet just really pounding heavily on the ground and I made it a point a couple of times to slow even further and concentrate on softening my footfalls. At about 1.25 miles I walked for a short bit. At 1.5 I got bit by a deerfly and immediately developed a lump the size of an orange on my forehead (see above). At 1.92 I told myself I’d go to 2 and turn around but then said eff-it and turned around immediately. At 2 I walked for a couple of minutes, started running again, and at 2.25 packed it in altogether. Leaving myself a 2+ mile walk back to the car.

What can I say. I’ve pushed myself to run when I didn’t feel like it and I’ve stuck with a run even when it was hard going. This was just one of those times that it was more than unpleasant, this was one of those times when I knew that if I continued I would do myself harm. Even so, even though I knew I was making the right decision, it was tough to swallow. All of the doubts, all of the worries – some of it was the Critic, taking an opportunity to impose herself on a psyche that has recently had fair success in banishing her. Some of it was legit: What’s next? Should I continue to keep my mileage low? If I do will I be ready for the Boilermaker? If I start increasing the mileage again can I tolerate it? If not now, when??

Let me tell you, it was a looooong walk back to the parking lot. Too many thoughts, too many stares at the giant growth on my face, too many people running by, smiling and saying Hi as I ambled along – calm appearing on the outside but busy arm wrestling the Critic on the inside. The saving grace was that it was a truly beautiful day and I got to walk slowly and appreciatively through what I usually run by. It made it much easier to be contemplative about what had just happened, rather than rattled. In the scope of things, it’s 2 good runs vs. 1 crappy run this week so good runs are the winner overall. I just worry about not getting the longer runs in that I should, or the hills. But I can’t obssess about it – well, I can – but it’s not gonna fix anything.

So right now, I’m not sure what’s next. I know that I am not going to run again until I meet the club again on Tuesday. I think that I am not going to try to start increasing mileage this coming week and I’m going to take each run as it comes. I am registered for a 10K next Saturday which I’d like to plan on. However, I imagine I could probably do the 5K instead if I wasn’t up to the longer. But, damn, if I don’t get some longer runs in pretty soon….nope, not gonna worry about that right now. Only going to worry about the very next run. Only going to worry about stretching my calf and icing my shin and getting my new sneaks and scheduling my bike rides a little smarter till I get used to them and keeping perspective and chilling out. And packing bug spray.

“Our mistakes don’t make or break us – if we’re lucky, they simply reveal who we really are, what we’re really made of.” ~ Donn Moomaw