“..You can see only as far as your headlights…
but you can make the whole trip that way.” EL Doctrow
Alot of time seems to have passed since I last sat down at the computer long enough to post. Nothing particularly exciting has transpired in the last few weeks - in fact I’ve kind of been in strange, static state of flatness - not feeling depressed, just kind of cautious and reserved. Maybe a little uninspired. I attribute this to my upcoming departure from Hospice and suspect I have been unconsiously reserving my emotional energy for what will be at once heartbreaking and hopeful. One week to go. Who knew that anticipation and dread could co-exist so fluidly.
My running has been kind of stagnant. I’ve been out there doing it, but without much of a consciousness of good or bad, just an it-is-what-it-is sensiblilty. I’m ok with that. I know I’m on the cusp of a big transition and after next week I am envisioning just exhaling all this dead air, clearing the cobwebs, and getting on with life. Right now I’m saving my strength.
It also happens that, on the week of my scheduled rebirth to the world as a woman with one less identity, I will be starting my Boilermaker training -AND- going on a solo, soul searching, song singing road trip (which will include some Susan seeing!). Sooooo, recovery is at hand.
Regarding my own personal version of the simple life, I am taking off for long drives with hope of some solitude and introspection, loud thumping music, and trashy books on tape interspersed with time in the presence of old friends and a little soul nourishing.
Regarding my Boilermaker training, I’ll be really glad to get on a schedule and have some goals out there - rather than ‘oh yeah, it’s time to go run I guess.’ One week from tomorrow is the RR Fort to Fort 5K, then the following week I will be running a 5K in Cary, NC just for a scenery change. Something interesting - as though I need to borrow trouble or something - as I approach the 1 year anniversay of my injury (please, no cards or flowers), I am finding myself strangely paranoid and fearful. Of course, as the season changes, the arthritis acts up and every tiny twinge, twitch, or tingle in that ankle becomes a cause for panic. The thought of sitting out another summer is almost intolerable to contemplate. If it’s possible to obsess yourself into a stress fracture, I’ll probably find a way. But in the meanwhile I guess I will just go forward 
Comment by susan
Saturday March 26 2005 @ 6:41 am
I can’t wait to see you! We’ll have lots to talk about, I’m sure. That we are both making these work-related life changes is one. Perhaps we’ll be able to help each other with some perspective about the good that will come from change. And you are my lucky charm; my 10K is the next day! We’ll do some carbo-loading at lunch!! Drive carefully and have a blast on your adventure:)