Running In Place

Ok, that’s not absolutely true – the part about being chased by a goose is true – it being the high point of my week might be a little cynical.

Most of my week was spent at the bedside of a beautiful young woman who was finally letting go after a years-long illness. She was in a nursing home, which turned out to pose some disturbing challenges to maintaining her comfort. I was left frustrated, angry, and in utter disbelief that some of the medical personnel I was dealing with could be so blind to suffering. I’ll leave it at that because there’s just too much emotion in me about it right now and a rant could easily develop. Ultimately, this lady did die comfortably and for that I am grateful. I will also just quickly say that I am not bashing nursing homes necessarily, or the people who work in them, because I have been to some wonderful facilities with very caring and capable staff. Unfortunately, it is the nature of the institution that the individual is lost in a sea of policy & procedure which allows administrators to hide behind the “it’s out of my hands” mantra – which they apparently feel exonerates them from moral responsibility.

Deep breath.

So. How ’bout running? Well, as most of my evenings were tied up, not as much as I would have liked for sure, but I’m at peace with that. Tuesday was a respectable 2.5 miles and today an interesting 5. I wanted to run yesterday too but I think the stress of the week took its toll on my belly and let’s just say I decided it wasn’t going to be cool to run with the runs if you get my meaning ’nuff about that.

Anyway, the title of today’s run would have to be Oh shit, where’d that hill come from!?? I had stayed for a program after church and by the time I got home in the afternoon, I totally did not feel like going out for a run and I just could not bring myself to get in the car and drive to the trail or to town or wherever to do it. I decided to take a run on my own road but in a different direction. I generally avoid my road because it is so cambered but at some point I did take notice that if I went a little way in the opposite direction I previously had, it became less so after a bit. So I made the deal with myself to give it a try and if it was too severely crowned I’d just bag it. After about a 1/2 mile it wasn’t too bad and after the first mile it was better still. My first mile was 10:28 and I was all like YEAH, I’M FAST!! Then I was thinking, “gosh and it feels so easy, this is great!” Shortly after I’m noticing that the sound of my feet hitting the pavement is really loud, like I’m wearing clown shoes or flippers – thwap thwap thwap . Slowly the realization dawns, s l o w l y I turn. Dammit, I’ve been running down a hill!! A long, gradual hill. A subtle hill going down – hmmm, subtle going back up later?? Think positive!! Soon, I’m leveling out and moving along more at my usual pace. I come into a cluster of houses, including a small farm, and what do you suppose is in the middle of the road but a couple of geese – and I’m running towards them, and they’re running towards me!! Now I grew up on a farm, but for those who aren’t aware: geese are flippin’ mean, and they bite, and pretty much all geese run faster than me! It was like this insane game of Red Rover where they’re running at me, hissing, and I’m using all the evasive maneuvers I can remember from powder puff football – and there’s these people in their front yard watching and I’m thinking (not yelling, just loudly thinking) “Hey! Call off your damn geese!” I guess I must’ve still had some downhill momentum (plus, one of the geese had a bad gimp) cause I managed to get by – and still had a half mile till my turnaround to plot my strategy for getting back. If I’d had my cell phone I might’ve called my husband to come pick me up.

Actually, the trip back was much less dramatic as they were busy chasing a car. I scooted to the opposite side of the road and actually considered jumping into the ditch to avoid detection but was able to pick up the pace and get out of Dodge before their attention was diverted from the car (which I think they may have run off the road). My love of the animal kingdom was renewed when I ran by a house where 2 young, and clearly goofy, Black Labs came bounding into their front yard to greet me. If I didn’t have to save my strength for that damn hill I would’ve liked to jump the fence and just wrestle and roll around with those 2 dogs till the geese found me.

Ah, yes, the hill. Well I ran up it – for about a mile and a half. Again, a subtle hill, but looooong. I amused myself with the thought that every time I run up a hill it’s by accident. I was slow but – hot damn – I did it. When I got home and said to my husband, “hey did you know there’s kind of an incline from here-to-here?” He says “well yeah, you know when you’re driving on that road and you’re looking up at the road ahead of you? That’s how you know.” Alright, can the sarcasm and give me a back rub.

One more thing, no two more things: 1) I had a cardiac stress test on Friday. Everything’s fine, but has anyone ever had one of these???? They’re kind of hard! You start out walking on the treadmill with a slight incline and the speed and incline are increased every 3 minutes for 15 minutes. By the end you’re jogging on max incline (another accidental hill ). So here’s what running’s done for me: By the time I’m on my last 3 minute segment, and I am really struggling but I am keeping up, the doc says “so you want to stop?” and I say “is the test done?” and he says “well we have what we need but there’s a minute and a half left if you want to finish it out.” and I was all “Hell (gasp gasp) Yeah!!” So I pushed through that last minute and a half for no one but me. I was yet to realize that the worst part of the test is going, in just a few seconds, from that level of effort to laying on a table on your side so they can get an immediate ultrasound of your heart. If I ever questioned the value of taking time to run or walk a cool down, I now never will. Laying on a table with your heart beating at near maximum equals nausea, shortness of breath, feeling faint – it sucked!!

Lastly – 2) Next Saturday is my 5 miler and I am really actually looking forward to it. I think that going and doing that 5k a few weeks ago was more valuable than I ever could have imagined at giving me confidence, and the desire to run with other people. My Dad is doing a water stop with his American Legion on the 30k branch of this run – he said “will I see you?” I said “you will next year Dad.”

And if you want to be free, be free
‘Cause there’s a million things to be
You know that there are
~ Cat Stevens

Today was a planned 4 miles – my longest run to date – and another step toward my 5 miler two weeks from today. As we had gotten what seemed like TONS of snow over the past week I figured I would not even bother with any of the trails, which are not groomed by anything other than foot prints and snowmobiles. The prospect of running around the nearby village was also not appealing as it is very small and I would find myself running up and down and around the same 5 streets to get 4 miles in. Unfortunately, the roads coming and going from town are very cambered (sp?), so I have to stay on the neighborhood streets. This is the same reason I don’t just walk out my own front door and run down my road. Anyway, I figured I’d try something new and drive into the city (those of you who live in cities with populations greater than 34,000 please stop snickering at my use of the word city)

I parked in the parking lot of my old high school and was sitting in the car and getting all balled up because, you know, for me, new= way scary. And Cat Stevens kindly and providentially sang me the above song as I sat there. And I said “well shit” and got out of the car and started my run.

And here comes the part where I say how great it was — and it flippin’ was!! This being my longest run thus far, I was not aiming for speed (HA!), but I was aiming for consistency. I tend to run too fast, then slow, then too fast, etc etc and by the end of the run I’m all spent. I wanted to run 4 miles – not run 2.5 and struggle for 1.5. Yes yes, so I ran a 1/2 mile warm up and then walked a block before starting off, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go but the area was all quiet neighborhoods and not too busy streets so I just ran around, got lost for a little while, then got my bearings, and when all was said and done, got back to my car at right about 4 miles. I think I really played this run well – I did end up staying very consistent in my pace (more on that in a minute), and I really tolerated the distance with what I thought was just the right amount of effort – not incredibly easy but not killer hard. I think my tendency has been to over exert myself consistently and think that it would force me to eventually get betterfasterstronger but I am reading more and more that uncovers my faulty logic.

So here’s the best part: I have thought before that I have a tendency to shuffle when I run, and looking at some pictures from my recent 5k kind of made it appear that this was the case. I saw not alot of knee bending or feet too far off the ground. Now this race was on snowy, slick roads and I may have mentioned that there was a hill or two but I don’t think I was accomodating the conditions so much as affecting my usual form. Today I really really paid attention to standing up straighter, bending my knees more, and kicking my feet up more. During the warm up I thought “this is hard!” but during the rest of the time it actually seemed to make the running easier! And look at how consistent my pace was, which I attribute to this because it seemed to help me fall into a very good rhythm:
mile 1 – 11:14
mile 2 – 11:21
mile 3 – 11:36
mile 4 – 11:31
It usually looks like this:
mile 1 – 11:58
mile 2 – 9:30
mile 3 – dying

Back at the car, I did some stretching and thanked my body for being so awesome, and thanked my mind for always learning new things, and thanked Cat Stevens for kicking me out of the car and giving me a song to sing in my head.

First of all, thank you all so much for all the cheers and kind words – it really made me feel great!! And I still feel great! Just doing this thing that I had gotten myself all – unnecessarily – angst ridden over has got me feeling all empowered and enthusiastic and brave. And I think: you know, I have been through this a thousand times in my life – I’m afraid of something, I fuss and moan, I put it off, I make excuses, I finally do it, then I’m invincible for a little while. I should know by now and just bypass the crap to get to the good stuff. But each time I seem to have to re-learn it.

So, not surprisingly, my running since the race has been awesome! I’m all standing up straighter, and looking up instead of at the ground, and picking up my feet, and thinking “I belong here, doing this.” And, again not surprisingly, my runs have felt physically easier because in my mind, I’m flying. And I’m seeing myself flying the 5 miler in a few weeks, and flying the 15k in July, and any other race along the way. And by flying I don’t even necessarily mean fast, but moving — forward, strong, joyful!

I did it – I ran a 5k! I ran with other people, in view of spectators even! I registered for this run – the Chilly Chili – about a month ago but I stayed all secret squirrel about it because it seemed like there were far too many times last year when I said I was going to run something or other and then didn’t for some reason or another. I really just wanted to do it quietly, personally – and then hoot and hollar afterwards (which is now). So it’s done — and it was great, I feel great! All of those fears and doubts I was getting all buggy about have no power today! I don’t expect that I’ll never have fears or doubts again but one less thing is an unknown to me, and one less thing has kept me static. I don’t have to be afraid of 5k’s and I don’t have to be afraid of hills either, let me tell you! (more on that later).

So here it is:

The location of this particular 5k was 50+ miles from my home, but it is in the vicinity of where I travel every day for my work, so I was familiar with the area and the village. I figured it would be a small run in a very pretty setting – plus I like chili and beer very much so the after party was quite enticing.

When I went on Friday to pick up my packet, the lady checking me in said that – being the first time for this particular race – they had only expected about 100 people to register and ended up with 450, which all were glad for as the proceeds benefited a local children’s charity. While in town I decided to drive the course, just to get a sense of things – which turned out to be difficult because part of the run went the wrong way up a One Way street. So I drove it backwards. My first impression was “damn there’s alot of hills” which is no big surprise as the village is in a valley and that part of the county is very hilly. Of course in my addled brain, there was great difficulty in transposing my backwards drive into a forward run so I was left with the impression that there were a few uphills and mostly downhills (um, more on that later). At least my foolish belief allowed me a good night’s sleep.

This morning I got up all nervousy and shit. I had a fair amount of water, a cup of coffee, whole wheat toast, and a banana with PB. The weather was just what I would choose to run in – it had been snowing all night so there was an accumulation of at least a few inches, it was still snowing big fat flakes and the temp was mild at about 28-30F. The weather was not what I would choose to drive in though and when we got out in the hills with the wind blowing across the bare fields it was kind of treacherous. It ended up taking us almost an hour and a half to get to Cazenovia. By the time we got there, I had about 20 minutes to pee and warm up. I immediately executed a porta-john faux pas when I came swinging around the corner to where they were and almost helped myself to one that appeared to be open. Someone cut me off just in time and caused me to look up and see the line of 15 or so people glaring at me. That’s what I get for looking at my feet instead of what’s in front of me. I did a quick apology to the masses and sheepishly placed myself at the end of the line where I started to jog in place as it wasn’t looking like I was going to have much time for a warm up run. When I got done there, I took a quick couple minute run up and down a nearby street and got back in time for the National Anthem. Most all the runners were lined up and I placed my self at the absolute very back of the pack – I had absolutely no idea what to expect and I sure didn’t want to get in anybody’s way. The walkers were going to line as soon as the last runners passed the start so I figured even if I was slow I wouldn’t hold them up too much.

So, the start of the run was on a hill which pretty much set the tone for the whole run. I would estimate that easily 3/4’s of the run was on an uphill incline of some degree or another. Some were mild and long, some were steep – one was mild and long then steep. The roads had a coating of slippery snow that caused my feet to slide out from underneath me too quickly during push off so even the blessed downhills were slow because there was no control. Anyway, not too far into the uphill start, some of the people in front of me started walking – now, I had resolved to stay slow – I mean I’m always slow, but I had resolved to not blow my wad, so to speak, early on – however, I did have to pass them, and then a few others too. After that we started to flatten out for a deceptively encouraging bit, then rounded a bend to a gradual incline, rounded a bend to another gradual incline, and then rounded a bend to a big-ass, long-ass hill!! I could see for a good distance up the hill – the leaders were not in sight but most of the mid-packers were – and most all of them were walking. What I wanted, what I had really resolved even prior to knowing the topography of this run, was to run it all. I had worked to make peace with myself that I was going to be slow but that what I wanted to do was to run all the way. So that’s what I managed to do. It was hard. At one point, as I was working my way up a hill, all by myself it seemed, I fixed on an older man who was running along – one of the few people running at that moment, shuffling, working hard like me. I passed more and more walking people to get up behind him and we both reached the crest at the same time. I turned a little to look back and could not help but state the obvious – “that was a big hill!” He just smiled and said “one step at a time.”

Anyway, I won’t go on and on about the hills any more, I’ll only say that I think I ran up a damn lot of them today and I feel all Wonder Woman-like because of it. The last K or so was downhill and of course I was all YEAH!! Then, would you believe it, the very very last part – the part where you would be plotting and executing your finishing kick and rocking through the finish with all the downhill momentum you’d accumulated – became an uphill. Well, why the hell not? From dust you came and to dust you shall return. As I came to the finish, there was my dear husband, who drove me through the bad weather, stood around for 40 minutes in the snow waiting for me, took my picture, cheered for me, congratulated me, told me he was proud me, made me feel proud me, bought me hot coffee, bought me cold beer, drove me home, bragged about me to his brother, and downloaded all my pictures for me.

Here’s something funny – for someone as obsessed, in a non-positive way, with time as I am – I ended the race and went home having absolutely no idea what my time was. I brought Garmin but I was not able to figure out where the actual start line was so I didn’t start it, and I never even thought to glance at my watch at either the beginning or the end. My only focus was to run the hills and I ended up not caring how long it took, just that I did it. There were no chips, just a perforated tag that got ripped off my number when I crossed – later today I got an e-mail informing me that my official time was 38:19 and that I finished 39 of 51 in the female 30-39 catagory. They said 355 runners finished but I don’t know my overall placing. That’s ok. I feel so great and so glad about what I did today!

Before I show my silly pictures which will only serve to embarrass me I have to give my thanks to Dawn (Pink Lady), Karen, and Mia for their great race reports from last weekend. Reading them really gave me the enthusiasm and encouragement to go ahead and do this run despite all my self imposed barriers.

Here’s some pics:

Before the run, all shy and shit.

The very beginning, don’t know if I’d even crossed the start yet.

Kind of a weird distortion to this picture but it’s just before crossing the finish line.

Back at the car, a little more confident :)

This is my hero! He supports me without question and never fails to tell me what’s good about me when I forget!

So that’s my story. I know I ran up a few hills and didn’t die from it after all. I know Richard and VJ and others have some big goings-on this weekend in a state much warmer than my own and my positive thoughts are with them! I know Jon has got a coupon for some free chocolate. Life is good.

Where do the days go. All of a sudden I’m thinking I haven’t blogged in a few days – - zoinks! like a week plus a few days! When did that happen? For some reason, lately, I have been exhausted in the evenings and have gone to bed by 7:30 some nights. It’s not like I get up terribly early – 5:45 or 6:00 and it’s not like I do much more at work, physically, than drive around and get in and out of the car alot. Not surprisingly, running has been more of a struggle too. Lately it’s seeming like a much greater effort to do the the same things I have been doing. Well, hopefully I’ll shake whatever it is off soon. Thankfully, for all the unexplained malaise, I don’t feel sick. Just so tired.

It’s 4 weeks till my 5 miler. Presently my “long” run is 3.5 miles so I hope to tack on that extra 1.5 over the next month’s time. I don’t need to run it fast (yeah, like I would *eye roll*) I just want to run it all. For some reason it’s really been hard for me to move beyond 3 miles and it’s made me feel kind of stuck. I’ve been trying some interval kind of stuff which I’m not so much hoping will necessarily make me faster, though I wouldn’t kick faster miles out of bed for eating crackers, but will make the distances I’m running more tolerable as I increase (or just more tolerable period). It just doesn’t feel like my cardiovascular capabilities are improving, it seem I go as slow as ever and only as far as ever and it’s always hard as hell.

You know, I am just a crab-ass tonight. I was thinking that I really didn’t want to post a bunch of sighs and complaints, but here I am all tired and whiney. Time for bed, tomorrow’s a new day.