Running In Place

Several times now I have sat down to the computer with the intention of doing a little reflection on the past year and a lot of speculation on the coming year. As I’m tooling through my days, I am thinking about the possible, the potential, and the hopeful that I am going to commit to paper, as it were. When I sit down, my mind goes blank. I think that I have been essentially static in most areas of my life recently, maybe especially in running. A week ago I was not even going to make any resolutions or set any goals, so complete was my feeling of whatever . After a few days of reading RBF goals and aspirations I was sufficiently inspired to say, Get going! One of the things that I have known for most of my adult life but sometimes lose sight of is: I have choices. I have choices in creating/adjusting my circumstances, in my actions, in my thoughts. Sometimes, even when I acknowledge that I have choices, I limit myself to just a couple, when really there are so many more - from the practical to the outrageous. So why stagnate? Why get lost in self-piteous thoughts and paralysis of action?

When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food, and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies with yourself.
- Tecumseh, Shawnee Chief

Running
2004 - Lots of trial and error at the start, stress fracture downed me for the summer, now I am probably at about the same spot physically that I was pre-injury (though I could have progressed much further if I had put forth some effort), shitty attitude for the last couple of months.

2005 -
1) Run The Boilermaker in July. Although I’m generally only running about 2 miles at a time now, this 15K is totally doable for me if I commit. There are many training programs and development runs all over the area to prepare. I am going to mail my application today.

2) Spend some time running with people. Up until now my running has been strictly alone, not even just alone, but isolated to a quiet trail whenever possible. I am so insecure about my running that I become wildly self-conscious when I pass other runners or even people walking or driving. How’s my form, do I look silly, am I going too slow, can they hear my heavy breathing - you would think it was The Truman Show and the attention of the entire world was on me. I actually mailed in a membership application and paid my 15 bucks to join a nearby running club in October but have yet to contact anyone or meet up for the weekly runs. I will do this. I will not be afraid of being the slowest or breathing the hardest.

3) Be consistent. I have been cycling through a kind of routine where I will be committed and run 4 days a week for 2 or 3 weeks, then suddenly say f-it and not run for a week. Then, having dashed apart the burgeoning habit, I have to motivationally start from scratch to get back out there again. I can say, without exception, that every time I didn’t feel like going for a run but went anyway I was always glad I did - even if it wasn’t a particularly good or enjoyable run - I was just so happy I went out and did it. Knowing that, I still have allowed myself to blow off runs. That is so last year.

Non-Running
2004 - Suspected, then accepted that I was unhappy in my work. Rather than address it and consider my myriad of options (choices), became sad, self-involved, myopic, and angry. Did decide to try to live more mindfully and deliberately: stopped eating meat, began using natural/organic, cruelty-free, sustainable products, stopped using charge cards and decreased my consumerism, supported local business and tried to avoid Walmart and its brethren.

2005 -

1) Find a new job. Simple. I won’t feel guilty, or like a failure - I’ll accept that it is time for me to shift my focus and spend some time thinking about what type of work will bring me happiness and fulfillment at this point in my life.

2) Continue with my goal of living simply and sustainably. My husband and I are already planning an organic garden and I am going to learn to preserve. I’ve also talked him into a few chickens so that we can have fresh eggs and “supplement” for the compost (chickens are also very good for pest control in gardens). Over the long term we are both interested in developing the most self-sufficient life we can and these are our first steps.

3) Intertwined in all the other goals is the thing that I would most like to do: Face my fears. The things I am afraid of are based primarily on shyness, insecurity, and harsh self-criticism moreso than any perception of real danger. Fear of failure, fear of being judged, fear of not being perfect - why am I afraid? Where is the harm? My greatest effort, and my greatest accomplishment this year will be to face squarely the things I am afraid of. And kick their ass! Or at the least, find out they weren’t so scary after all

Happy New Year RBF ! Thanks for the great motivation - I can’t wait to watch everyone’s accomplishments and achievements unfold in the coming year!!

Cheers!!