Running In Place

Not so long ago I was lamenting about how I alway manage to sabotage my efforts by holding myself to unrealistic standards and then get all sad and depressed that I don’t measure up. This has been a lifelong behavior, played out in multiple venues long before running ever entered my world. Interestingly, playing out the same old scenario with running has somehow made this pattern no longer acceptable to me. In other areas, I would jump in head first, drown, quit - with running, I can’t seem to quit, I can’t seem to talk myself out of it or flog my self-esteem enough to make me not want to try again. I find that wonderful, amazing, inexplicable - what is it that keeps me going back? And the resultant mindset has allowed me to expand my view of things I can do (vs. all the things I tell myself I can’t do) - like quitting my job (last day 3/31) and finding something that makes my spirit happier.

So my antedote for ruining my runs by obsessing about how slow I am was to not bring Garmin and run for a period of time with no attention to distance. That has been great - I mean really great - I have experienced my runs in a different way and I think that, no matter what else I do, I will always make time for runs that have no time/distance expectations. However if I’m going to improve, if I’m going to run a 15K in July with a “heartbreak hill” at the end, I suppose I should start to pay attention to what I’m doing, and to figure out what I reasonably want to accomplish. So today I brought Garmin, and it turns out I’m running 5K without even having realized it - admittedly slow, but I’m not going to get hung up on that. No. I’m. Not.

For the past 3 weeks, the American Heart Association’s Heart Run pledge form has been sitting next to the computer. I don’t know why I have been ignoring it, telling myself I’m not going to “race” (though it’s not at all a race). Tonight I looked at it completely differently, tonight I thought “why am I not jumping on this??” First of all, it matters to me (lots of heart disease in my family), second of all, if I’m going to get better I have to get better. I want to (and feel like I’m ready to) start training for something. The Boilermaker is a ways away, and although I am registered and my $$ are paid, it’s so far off that it hasn’t really become real yet. So now I am all set up to do the The Heart Run in March. There are 3 mile, 5 mile, 10 mile, and 30K runs - if I had to, I could do the 3 mile run today - slow, oh so slow - but I could do it. Therefore, I am going to go for the 5 mile run. Part of me wants to stay where I’m at and part of me knows it’s time to get better. I’ll only get better by being better.

P.S. If it suits anyone to check out my Heart Run web page to consider sponsoring my efforts I am most grateful.

I have lived in Central New York all my life and have always loved the seasons. I was never one to complain about too much snow or too cold temps (and we usually got plenty of both), but this winter has been a real crapper! The temperature can’t seem to get, and stay, cold and we are mostly ending up with sleet and freezing rain. Today, yet again, the roads are glare ice and I can’t get out to see my patients. It’s supposed to warm up and turn to straight rain this afternoon - not enough to melt the ice completely - just enough to put a slippery layer of water over the top. Hopefully there will be enough snow left on the trail that I may be able to take a run later and have something for the Yaktrax to grab.

So I got an e-mail from the running club and, of course, it was very welcoming and encouraging - here’s the beginning:
I remember when I started running, I felt the same way as you - nervous
about running with a group and being “sized up.” Well, I’m glad I got over
it because the group runs are the best thing that ever happened to my
running “career.” They did challenge me in a way (who wants to get left
behind?), but they also were great motivators (there were many snowy, rainy
Tuesdays that I wouldn’t have gone out if I didn’t have a group to meet),
and great social events.
Just one more reason to shitcan my stupid insecurities

Next Tuesday night I have to teach a class to our Personal Care Volunteers but the following week I’m there dude!

…is feeling guilty.

Only a few hours since my last post (and another good run in the snow), and I’ve been feeling bad about my criticism of the running club that I voiced earlier. Karen’s comment was correct on 2 counts - one being that it is mostly my own timidity that keeps me waiting to be pursued rather than pursuing; and two, runners are a really supportive and encouaging bunch of folks. Why would I assume these folks aren’t just because they didn’t arrive at my doorstep with a bouquet of flowers and engraved invitation? So I am sorry for my jump to judgement and I am glad for the opportunity to realign my view. Thanks Karen

Recently, one of my rural patients shared an old saying with me that seems to be close to true. In talking to me about the many deaths of older folks in her town of about 200 people, she said, “Green Christmas; Full Church yard,” which is evidently to say that when there is a winter of relatively little snow there will be a full cemetery. At the very least, in my own small world, I am seeing an inordinately high amount of sickness - there has been a respiratory bug and a GI bug going around the area that has attacked nearly every one I know at some recent time or another and the hospitals in the area have ER’s stacked high with the afflicted.

In addition to the apparent health effects of the tepid temperatures, I just find it dispiriting to look out the window and see a lawn full of brown grass and bare trees, rain puddles, and mud. The fact that it never quite manages to get too cold or too warm has equalled more sleet and freezing rain than fluffy snow, and the driving can be more treacherous than in a blizzard.

Running has been difficult in the past week because of the mostly icey conditions and I am grateful to have thus far avoided any falls or ankle twists. Happily, yesterday’s run was a beautiful, snowy run that had that effect of totally renewing the spirit. The temperature had finally gone down again (26F) and there were big fat, fluffy flakes coming down. I went to a trail that I hadn’t been to in quite awhile and found the parking area to be deserted, and unplowed. The driving to get there was actually a little challenging so I figured I wouldn’t run into anyone else making the effort to drive in the snow to run in the snow. Once out in the woods, it could not have been a more idyllic setting - utter quiet other than the sound of snow flakes ticking on my nylon jacket, trees covered in white, and just a sense of peaceful isolation and aloneness. As I have been, I just ran with no attention to pace or distance, and as it has been, it was utterly satisfying and enjoyable. When I finished, I had rosy cheeks and big snowflakes on my eyelashes and I felt bright and new. It’s not snowing today but still in the mid-20’sF and plenty white out so I’m looking forward to another winter run. Next week the temps are anticipated to warm up to the 40’s again so good-bye snow and hello mud. For now I’ll make the most of the white stuff.

A note on gear: Silk long johns are a rockin’ base layer.

A note on what’s next: I am really enjoying this just running thing but I know that eventually I am going to have to start paying attention and start training if I am going to run the Boilermaker. My plan is to continue with what I’m doing through the rest of this month and then start looking at the many training plans and programs that are going to be available around the area for this race. My experience with the the running club I joined has been unimpressive to say the least. I sent my membership app. and dues in October, never heard a thing and the check was not even cashed until December. So far the newsletter and t-shirt has not been forthcoming, the web site hasn’t been updated, and no one answers my e-mails. Maybe they’re in hibernation.

No matter, I’m off to play in the snow!!

be ascared but don’t be afraid - D. O’Connor

Alongside thinking about my larger goals for 2005, I had been thinking for awhile about my goals for running. The most obvious being: run farther, run faster. I am down with that and definately want to accomplish some quantifiable improvement in my running over the next year. Most times, I have gotten in my own way when it comes to improvement - I spend my energy comparing myself to other people, berating myself for not measuring up, and pretty much sucking the joy out periodically when I aspire to something that I am SURE I can’t reach. Despite these machinations, I have found that I have a love for running that even I can’t quash. Realizing that, in itself, feels great!

On Saturday (New Year’s Day) - and this is so silly but it’s so me - I was busy enough making lists of all the things that I was going to do that I wasn’t sure if I would have time to run. Pretty funny considering that much of the stuff I was contemplating was regarding running. Fortunately, I do have a minimal ability to recognize the absurd and slapped on my running stuff. Temp was above freezing (36F) and the snow had all been washed away by rain the day before (very weird for this area). I went to a trail that I had not been to before, it runs right alongside the Barge Canal and seems almost silt/sand overlay rather than dirt/gravel - very soft but with a firm base. It was nice running along side the canal, and the nicest thing was that there were no mile markers and I had no sense of distance (Garmin stayed home). I ran out for 15 minutes and then ran back and ended up within a few steps of where I started within the 2nd 15 minutes. My pace was what felt good at the moment - slow when I needed it and faster when I wasn’t paying attention. How far I went in 30 minutes I have no idea. And it was great!

Sunday was much similar except that the temp was 26F and there was a biting wind. Freezing rain was expected so I figured to get out beforehand. I wore the silk long john top and balaclava that my santa got me for Christmas and they were perfect with a polartec top and fleece hat. Should have worn the silk long john bottoms even though the track pants are lined, just for a little extra. Went into the wind headlong and that was a little hard but after a bit, especially with the balaclava, it was ok. The upshot is that, again, I didn’t pay attention to distance or pace and really just acknowledged loving the run - not just after - but all during it. I was working at something between comfortable and just a touch above, but I wasn’t competing with my watch or myself or any other imagined competitors and so the work somehow didn’t feel painful. So through burgeoning mental discipline or subtle mental trickery, perhaps I have figured out a way to outsmart my critical self.

Ultimately this year I have a very tangible goal - to run the Boilermaker on July 10th. So eventually I am going to have to start paying attention to distance, if not speed, and train properly. I mailed my registration and entrance fee today. I’m kind of scared that I did that but it had to be done! I also intend on meeting up with the local running club tomorrow for their run even though I am sure I don’t run as far or as fast as any of them. I am scared. I am not afraid.