I thought this was good advice for Xmas shopping this season. I know Jon would agree with #7.
Kristen’s Top 10 List of Things NOT to Give
By: Kristen Twedt
10. Undergarments. Nothing is more insulting than receiving panties that would accommodate the hulking posterior of a Holstein cow. Do you really think my butt?s that big? Don?t answer that.
9. Socks. That?s like giving someone a roll of toilet paper or a tube of toothpaste. If you?re thinking socks, you?re better off giving cash.
8. Gift cards to obscure stores. Does my hometown have a ?Buford?s Barbecue Barn?? Is it worth five tanks of gas to get there from here? Can I use the card online? I thought not.
7. Cheap chocolate. With all that?s naughty and nice to eat this time of year, the last thing I want to spend calories on is chocolate-covered mystery middles that taste like everything from shoelaces to plastic fruit. Go Godiva. Think Ghiradelli. Consider Hershey?s or Nestle or Whitman?s. But do not give those boxed assortments that read ?100 Secret Centers.?
6. Things that defy the laws of physics. These include toys with countless parts that promise ?easy assembly,? gadgets that peel shrimp or shell nuts, or knives that never need sharpening.
5. Any type of fragrance. Few things are more personal that your own physical aroma. I prefer not to smell like apple pie, cinnamon toast or coconut. Broadcasting an olfactory message like this confuses smelling attractive with smelling edible. The effect is something akin to ?I smell like dessert. Bite me!?
4. Food with an extended shelf life. If the packaging reads, ?Best if used by 2510,? I?d say you?ve got a product incompatible with human consumption. Here?s a heads up: sausage and cheese should never last longer than the natural life span of the animals from which they came.
3. Christmas Doo Dads and Delayed Gratification. I remember getting Christmas sweaters, Christmas candles, and Christmas music CD?s on Christmas day. As soon as you get them, you have to put them up. What a bummer. Gifts you can?t use for a solid year.
2. Wrinkle cream. I know a woman who gave her mother-in-law some of this for Christmas and actually lived to tell it. Books about dieting, self-help and demonic possession fall in this same category of gifts that could result in some very uncomfortable family moments around the tree. Or on the receiving end of the tree.
1. Retail dregs. If it?s Christmas Eve, pretty much anything good is gone. All that is left is what nobody else wanted. Nothing says, ?I had no idea what to get you? like a lettuce spinner or a 100-piece screwdriver set. At this point, your best bet is to give what old Southerners like to call ?folding money.? Slip some inside a festive card and deliver with a promise to do better next year.
