More running

I’ve had a good week running. Not to fast but I’ve been out there every day. I took Saturday off and did a longer run today (only 5 miles). I’m a little tired from it.

The extra weight is slowly coming off again. I’m down six pounds as of today, although it was a two pound drop from yesterday, so I’m suspicious. Sometimes if I don’t drink enough water I get a big drop the next day.

Still using My Fitness Pal, which does a nice job of tracking calories. When I have a long run day, I get a giant lump to consume. Back when I was doing 10-15 mile long runs, I had to split the calories up over three days because there was no was I could eat all that in one day. It helped me get through the next day when I was taking a rest day. It all averaged out I guess.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about work and life and how the two seem to conflict. I’ve become very stressed about work and it has interfered with my sleep and general happiness at home. There is one individual who has caused me a lot of grief and I find that I end up thinking about things they have said and done, over and over.

I remember this scenario well, from when I was bullied in high school.

I became obsessed with thinking of the things I would do and say differently, but when I got into the real situation I just hid. The problem is that the bully never has much to lose, and they know that if you take a stand you have a lot to lose. So they exploit that. As it continued, I started to fantasize about coming across them in a horrible accident, and then walking away, leaving them to suffer and die.

One time, one of the bullies stabbed me in the side with a drawing compass. Then he wanted me to show him the hole it made! The person at work is like that. They don’t use a compass, but the pain is just as hurtful, and then they want to talk about it.

I know it’s bad karma to wish horrible things upon other people, but I still do. The person that bullies me? I hope that disease, pain, fear, disappointment, tragedy, anguish, and death plague him, his family, and all his descendents, for all time.

Not very nice of me. But I’m tired of it. And I deserve better than to be treated like that.

I’m still alive

Sorry for not responding to comments. I used to be so good about that. Now I’m lazy and lame and this blog will be dead soon. :(

So thank you to Danielle, Lindsay, Juls, MG, Deene (where ever you are in the blog world), and Amy, for commenting.  :)

I’ve been running this week, after gaining back the 18 pounds I lost last fall. Just stupid crazy. Sitting on my butt eating A LOT of bread has not been good.

But I did manage to run 5 days. My legs felt like lead by Friday so I took yesterday off. I really want to run today, just need to get my butt out the door and do it.

I’ve had a hard time lately staying away from online RPG’s. One in particular. I haven’t been on in at least 6 months. It’s very hard to avoid. Songs and shows on Netflix remind me of it. I guess I miss the instant interaction that comes from it. I type and people respond. Maybe that’s the draw of Farcebook over blogs. Instant response.

Speaking of blogs, now that Google Reader is dead, I wonder how many people will stop reading blogs all together. I haven’t picked up a new reader yet, so all the blogs that I tracked before are just floating out there. Maybe I need to let them go too.

I’ve been working on the two novels a little bit. I have a horrendous aversion to reading, and writing sometimes goes along with that. I think about the main project all the time, running over dialog and moving characters around in scenes. But I haven’t had a lot of success actually transposing that into written form. I get this tight ache in my chest when I sit down and try to type it.

It’s funny (strange, not ha-ha). I know my two lead characters so well, I could tell you precisely how they would react in every situation, inside the project and outside. I know their histories and thoughts, even though none of it appears in the project. I just need to put the story together and let them walk through it. I know that sounds odd, but I fell like once I know what’s going to happen around them, their “natural” reactions will carry the rest of the project.

I’ve been using Scrivener (did I mention this?). It’s drafting software that helps you organize and format your projects. Tremendously useful. There is a free version but for $30 it was worth sending the money for the official version. When you find good freeware and they ask for a donation, why not send it?

So Scrivener obviously does words counts, which it kinda nice. I have about 38,000 words now, which is a only a few thousand more than a few months ago, which is lame and pathetic. The November project (which lasted a week) has about 10,000 words. Considering the November project was only 5 days, it’s even more lame that it was already at 10K words, since I’ve been working on the other one for almost 2 years now. Two years! Seriously?

What I really need is time alone. I need like two weeks of just me and nothing else. No work. No house. No people. Just time to sit and write without distractions.

But there are always things to fix. Errands to run. People to assist. Is this why the successful writers are neurotic and live alone in the woods? Maybe that’s what you have to do. Writing is hard work. I haven’t even gotten to the editing part where you decide what is trash and what can stay.

In other news, I have a race next month. Work paid the registration fee for a bunch of us because it’s a local race. Very nice. I have a bout 3 weeks now to lose 20 pounds and regain the speed I had last fall. Doable.

Not. Sigh.

Maybe lose 3 pounds and not embarrass myself in front of coworkers.

Running sucks as a form of weight loss. All this things you need to do for diet, are entirely contrary to running. Fewer carbs. Try to eat only 200 calories of pasta the night before a race. It won’t happen, or you run like poop. But if I eat the carbs, I just go overboard and crave them like crazy.

It’s not like I’m on some stupid low-carb diet. 50% of my calories come from carbs. I’m just trying to keep it from being 80%.

So back to writing and, hopefully, running today. I hope everyone had a good weekend. I will write again soon.

 

Protected: why I can’t write

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dealing with it

For a long time I have needed an outlet for dealing with a terrible person in my life.  I don’t want to go into specific detail except to say that this person has had a dramatic effect on my ability to cope with people and life in general.  I am stuck with them for the moment.  And they are neurotic.  Truly.  They are being counseled and medicated.  But the progress is slow, and in the mean time I am forced to deal with them on a daily basis.  For now.

The actions of this person (we’ll call them Satan) overshadow my thoughts wherever I am.  Each interaction with Satan makes me angry with myself and how I deal with him.  He finds the tiniest flaws, pours salt into them, and points out how defective I am.  He condescends as if he were a genius and I am a fool.  He publicly humiliates me, lectures me in private of my failing, and offers an apology in the form of blaming me for his psychotic behavior.

Satan is a bully.  I was bullied in school as a child and I know the behavior and mental state.  Satan is a bully.  I know that every bully has some deep hurt that they are trying to heal, and if they could old find someone to help them, they would stop the bullying.

I see him reach out for help.  So many times he pulls the “poor me” routine.  Offering some intimate glimpse into his life, sharing how he so desperately want to help the world.  Almost pleading for someone to give poor Satan a hug and tell him it will be alright.

He’ll get nothing from me.  I’m not his counselor, or his daddy, or his mommy, or the teddy bear that the little boy stuck inside his head clings to at night.  I am his enemy.

I enjoy watching him squirm each and every time he tries to make me believe he has a human side.  Every time he risks rejection by fishing for forgiveness saying “I know everyone thinks I’m an a$$hole.”, I simply stare in silence.  In my head I am screaming “You’re damn right we do!”.  And when I say everyone, I mean everyone.

In the end, Satan is still a bully.  I am still a victim.  For now.  Nothing is permanent and everything changes.  And I bide my time, grinning when he falls, smirking when bad luck hits him, and offering him no comfort except an icy glare.

So how do I deal with this, other than passive-aggressive schadenfreude?  I’ve decided to write about Satan.  I know him like I know myself.  I know how he will react in every situation.  I will put him into my novel as the most vile character I have.  A reader will hate him more than anyone they have ever hated.  And at the end, he will get what he deserves ten times over.

I’ve toyed with the idea of putting a secret message to Satan in the novel, so that only he would know I was talking about him.  But I think he will recognize himself anyway. I wish I could be there to see him read about himself when he realizes I modeled the character after him.

For the first time in a very long time I feel good about channeling the anger.  I feel like I have taken that energy and formed it into something.  Maybe the pen is mightier than the sword.

 

 

so much going on

Thank you to everyone for your kind thoughts and words.  I appreciate the support.  :)

I’ve had alot going on since my last post.

The writing is going well.  I’ve had the plot change around dramatically, which is good I guess.  I’ve had a hard time letting go of an opening chapter that I really liked.  It was the first thing I wrote down, so it was tough to send it to the chopping block.  But it no longer fit with the rest of the storyline, so tore it apart into little pieces.  Saved all the clever wording, but let the meat of it go to the cutting room floor (so to speak).

Its amazing how I see things so differently now that I am writing.  I find myself stealing names for characters.  I see plot lines and ideas in everything people do.  I keep small notepads with me so I can write ideas down (which becomes somewhat hazardous while driving).

I’ve really started to see familiar patterns in other books.  Things that other writers have given as tips and guidelines for writing great fiction.  Suddenly, reading a fictional story takes on an entirely different feel.  I find myself zeroing in on the main character and looking for what they “want”.  It seems like they always want something, and then for the rest of the book, they are trying to get it.  They want money, or a lover, or freedom, or a magical ring, or something.

Speaking of fiction, I finally saw the last Harry Potter movie.  Ended up seeing it at the iMax because the show times worked out best.  I don’t think it was really worth it in 3D, but it wasn’t aweful.  Avatar was worth it, not so much Harry Potter.

I was happy to see it all end.  I didn’t want to keep waiting to see how they would play out that monster of a final book.  I think Rowling got pressured at the end to close it up fast.  It was like she used one dream/death sequence and the pensive bowl thing to explain the entire book series.  And then we go “Aaahaaaa, that’s why that happened.” Sigh.  I never did like the ending of it all.  And the prologue was too shmalzy.

But I was happy to see Bella Lestrange one last time.  :)

I’ve been running.  I ran two days last week and I did weight training twice as well.  Its going ok.  Very slow and sluggish, but at least I am moving.

I ran in the Warrior Dash this weekend.  I guess you can’t say ran.  I walked much of it.  Why?  Why would I walk in a race, you ask?  Well, for one thing it was on a SKI SLOPE.  Oh yes, the race went up a ski slope and then back down.  So about 98% of us walked it up, because running up a 70 degree incline for a mile and a half, truly sucks.

There were all kinds of obstacles, but the most welcome one was the giant pit of cold muddy water that waited for us at the top.  I was never so happy to get wet and dirty.  We had big logs in there to climb and roll over.  I ended up with big bruises all over me.  There was a big mud pit near the end with barbed wire to crawl under.  And a giant slip and slide that really hurt because there were rocks under it.

But I did get to jump over fire at the end and I did eat a giant turkey leg.  :)

The warrior dash is ok.  Very tough and the food is ultra fail: bananas and cups of water.  Everything else you pay for.  The turkey leg was $8.  We did get a free shower to wash off the mud.

So today my legs hurt and my feet hurt too.   And I have some bruises to show at work tomorrow.

Hope you all had a good weekend.

am so messed up

I will not go into details, but I am in a seriously messed up place right now.  Its so very hard to dig myself out.  I can’t believe I have lost so much control.  Its crazy.

Nothing life threatening, just mental crapola messing up my head and interfering with day to day functions.

Sorry I cannot elaborate to anyone on earth.  Just typing this helps.

writing…

I’ve started writing my book.  It all just kinda coalesced for me a few weeks ago.  All the ideas that I had been having about it, just fused together in a great big connected matrix.  Everything that seemed so disconnected before, seems to now connect.  And every time I look at something else I wrote before, I see where it fits in the book.  I see something happen and it fits in the book.  I talk to people and it fits.  Every person I meet is an instant character.  Its crazy.  Suddenly everything fits.

In other news, my brain is failing me.  I can’t type straight.  I keep making typos over and over.  I hit the space bar too soon in sentences.  Like I am hitting the keys out of sequence.  Left hand goes too fast for the right.  And I’m so very tired all the time.  Like sleepy tired.  Can’t stay awake for nothing.  I dozed off standing up in church.  People probably thought I was fainting.  More craziness.

 

weakening

I’m missing the online game tonight.  Sometimes I wonder if my little online game friends miss me, or wonder where I went.  I never said goodbye, I just stopped showing up.  I want to go back and say goodbye, but I know I’ll get sucked in again.  So I’ll just be sad about it.

and here i am

Posting online and NOT playing that stupid game.   Trying very hard to be good.  I have to admit that I’ve thought about getting on the game just for a minute or two.  But I’m not going to.  Tomorrow I may throw away all my achievements of today, but tonight I win.  I’m not playing.  They can go play with themselves.

a funny thing happened on the way to work

Ok, so i totally fell off the running wagon when i got the stress fracture.  Got majorly fat, and majorly demotivated.

I spent alot of time surfing the web and watching videos, and seriously there are millions of really funny ones. But along the way, I found some motivational CD’s by Jim Rohn, which were awesome.

So I started listening to them in the car.  Since I have an hour drive to work (57 minutes is my record – WOOT!), i could listen to them all in a few days.  Weeeeeelllll, i listened to them over and over and over, until I had internalized the philosophy.  It had a serious impact on my thinking!

I was focused on work and writing down my personal goals.  I kept a tiny little journal with me all the time for writing down ideas.  I was on!

Unfortunately, it went awry from there.  See, somehow the philosophy of “take charge of your life” was morphed into “go after what you want” followed very quickly by “do whatever the hell you want” and then emphasized with “hellz yeah!”.

Consequently, i ended up surfing the web for online games and ran into one that was particularly addicting.  Far worse than the last one.  I won’t go into details or even tell you what it is, but i will say it is a real time suck.  i could be on that game for HOURS and not even realize it.

The game is part of what i call “social gaming”.  These are role playing games where your character can interact with other players, either as part of the game itself or simply as part of a chat feature attached to the game.  I used to play Blogshares which also fall under this category.  There’s free games like Hobowars and paid games like World of Warcraft and Rift.  So you get the point.

But I just get sucked into these things because there is the instant gratification factor.

See, in the world of social interaction on the web, there were bulletin boards (which sucked).

Then there were personal web pages (which also sucked).

Then there were blogs, which at first didn’t suck.

Then there was Facebook, which made blogs suck.

Then there was Twitter, which actually is lame and stupid but nobody wants to stop using it because then everyone else will say they aren’t cool, and why the hell hasn’t someone jumped up and said “The Emperor has no clothes on!” (*jumps up and screams it loudly*)

Then everything moved to everyone’s iPhone, even if they didn’t have one because somebody next to them had one and we all leaned over and stared at their stoopid apps because (what the hell?) isn’t that a heck of a lot more fun than doing work anyway?  (*hellz yeah*)

But what I am *trying* to show is that the progression is faster and faster and instantaneous responses from social interaction.  We went submitting and entry and waiting a week to see who comments, to instantly telling the entire world that you accidentally dumped a quart of Chobani yogurt into the fish tank (totally not my fault, btw).

And.that.is.addicting.  Srsly.

oh, and typing.  omg.  I am having a hard time typing like an educated human, rather than typing like a 14-year-old texting his stoopid gf about her hair. o.m.g.

Yeah.  Its come down to complete mental breakdown.

But its easy to do and the instant response is mentally satisfying.  Its like being at a GIANT party where you can see EVERYONE at once, and can talk to anyone instantly.  And they respond.  Thank goodness Pavlov didn’t design these things because we’d be drooling all over the keyboards (obscure reference #465).

So i missed ALOT of sleep.  And didn’t exercise.  And didn’t run.  I played a stupid game which gained me nothing.  I’m still trying to quit it.  I played until 3 am last night.  Really stupid because I can’t sleep in.  Once the sun is up, I am awake and cannot sleep.

So here it is almost 11 pm, but I am not on the game.  I’m here typing on my blog.  I’m just going to finish this entry and get to bed.  I have sooooo much work to do tomorrow, its not even funny.  I’m going to have dinner with my former running partner (and btw SHE is still running) tomorrow night.

I hope everyone is well.  I haven’t been reading the blogs.  I will try to catch up.  Google reader says I am behind by almost 400 entries.  Egads.