a powerful day

Today I felt very good. I had the weekly confrontational meeting but it went very differently from before. As an observer (in my head) rather than the victim, the behavior was so much more amusing than painful. He was still an evil, condescending, and insulting person but the insults rolled off this time, because the behavior is so expected.

Every comment, every mannerism seems so overt to me now. The little head-games that baffled me, now look like silly schoolyard games. Until I came to expect it and know what to look for, it always shocked me. It was that shock that threw me off guard and got my defenses up. Once I began acting defensively, I would spend the entire time running. And that was killing me.

At least this time, at least today, I was not running. I was walking around outside the circle. And he couldn’t see me there, he could only see the person inside the circle. And that was no longer me.

James T. Kirk is quoted as saying “If you can’t win the game, change the rules.” (although admittedly, I have yet to find that precise quote). Still, I like it, and that is what I am following now. There was a show I saw once where two people were playing chess (this may have been Star Trek too). One person had continuously beat the other one, and the loser was becoming very frustrated and was doubting their abilities. Someone suggested that they change their strategy, which they did. At the next game, the other opponent finally jumps up in disgust and yells at the loser, stomping off in a huff. The loser explained that he changed his strategy so that he was no longer trying to wing, but merely trying not to lose. It seemed applicable to this situation.

Comments

  1. WOOHOO! Keep us posted on your success with this, Jon. Sending you lots of good karmic vibes.