psst, are you awake?

I am.  I couldn’t sleep tonight.  I’ve been up since 1 AM watching reruns of Bones on Hulu.

I wanted to do a Christmas post.  I wanted to talk about locally made truffles that I bought.  I wanted to talk about seeing an old friend this weekend.

But I’m too tired and Christmas just killed me this year.  There’s way too much to the secular part of this “holiday”.  Its a nightmare.  Blaring holiday tunes that pound in my head from the moment I walk into the store.  Like some crazed mantra pushing me to buy as much as possible to lift the merchants out of their financial problems.

Why do people think that spending money we don’t have, to buy things made in other countries, is going be any kind of permanent fix?  Maybe they don’t.  Maybe they just want to get what they can, while they can.

Have you seen the commercials for China?  Oh yes.  China is marketing itself so people feel better about buying “made in China”.  Maybe its just pointing the finger at someone else.  “Don’t blame us.  We just make the stuff.  Someone else owns the company.”   Creepy.

I was supposed to go to lunch today with some friends (real world people that I know).  But I don’t know.  My head hurts.  I haven’t felt right since the Israeli woman poisoned me.  As I type this, I realized I didn’t get to tell the story.

In the mall, they are these kiosks in the hallways, where women are selling Dead Sea salt products.  Lotions.  Ointments.  Makeup. Stuff.  They are well known for their aggressive sales tactics.  And most of them are very beautiful.  Part of the plan.

So, I’m walking through the mall and one of these women stops me.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yes.”

“Are you married?”

“Yes.”

“How many wives do you have?”

“Seven.”

“Well, I have a gift for each of them.”

She never missed a beat.  She was a polished pro.  She said she was Israeli and that’s why she had such an outrageous accent.  She took my hand and led me over to her lair table.  She buffed one of my nails with a $5 buffing bar and showed me how shiny it was.  Then she tried to sell me the buffing bar for $60.  I decline with flirtatious banter and silliness.

She moved on to some type of almond oil/sea salt hand cleaner.  I washed my hands with it while she sprayed it with water from a spray bottle.  The entire time throughout these exchanges, she stood very close to me.  Right up against me in fact.  Being male, this was a terribly hard thing to resist.  But I did with all kinds of crazy excuses.  I must have spent 15-20 minutes with her by this point.

Then she said she had one more thing to show me because I was driving her crazy (can you imagine me being annoying?).  She took out some kind of defoliant (is that right word?  It removes dead skin), and she rubbed is on the back of my hand, explaining that this is normally used on your face.

As this point I was watching her rub the back of my hand in big circles, and felt a little funny.  Not unpleasant, but just a relaxing lightheadedness.   And then she took out some kind of special lotion that she said would close the pores in my skin.  And then it happened.

As she rubbed in the lotion, my vision began to rapidly narrow, my head was rushing with blood and sounds got muffled.  I saw the fuzzy colors you get when have headrush from standing up too fast.  I was dizzy and nautious, and I finally had to interrupt her talking to say I had to sit down.

There was a bench nearby and I sat down, trying to think if I should tell them anything before I passed out.  I was sweating like crazy and wondering if I was having a stroke or a heart attack.  Checked my pulse, felt like about 60.  one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand.  Seemed ok.

She brought me a bottle of water and asked if I was taking any medication or if there was someone there in the mall with me.  She was clearheaded for a slick saleswoman.

I must have sat there for about 10 minutes.  The dizziness subsided but the nausea was still there.  My face was cold from sweat.  She told me I looked very pale.

Eventually, I got up and left.  I walked upstairs and called my wife to let her know I was on the way home.  In case they needed to look for my body.

I still had all the goop on my hands, but I just wanted to get to the car and go home.  I drove with two fingers to keep the stuff off the steering wheel.  I stopped at Price Chopper to wash my hands.  I was feeling pretty good, but even as I went to wash the back of my hand, as soon as I touched it, the wave of nausea came over me again.

I washed me hands very thoroughly and went home.

I have no idea what was in the stuff she put on my hand.  I thought about going back and finding them and getting the ingredients, but just the thought of seeing that kiosk again, makes me ill.  A quick Google search for “dead sea women annoying” yields hundreds of complaints about these saleswomen.  Bad guaranties, aggressive tactics, but no mention of people getting sick.

Weird.

I hope your week has been better.

Comments

  1. We have them too, except our salespeople are eastern European, like Russian, and they also employ some beautiful boys to approach the women. And they always start out with “can I ask you a question.” I got sucked in by one in Cincinnati but now that they’re in my local mall I just put my hand up in their face and say NO really firmly. They are very aggressive. I have gotten the buffing and lotioning but not had any kind of reaction like you did – seems like if you were allergic to an ingredient you would have either had a local response on your skin or a systemic, anaphylactic reaction. I wonder if the scent of it, or the scent of something she was wearing caused it. I’m glad you didn’t pass out as you might have been kidnapped and sold into slavery – but at least your skin would have been soft and your nails shiny.

  2. CRAZY! Just think if you had bought some for each of your SEVEN wives. Hope you’re feeling better.

  3. Holy toledo, that is awful, Jon! Just going into a mall makes my head do that so I don’t shop at malls, I can’t I have some rare mental condition that prohibits me. Save a lot of money that way. I have never encountered salt scary yet beautiful women! You should stay away too!

  4. We have those people in the mall here too. They almost got my husband once with the “May I ask you a question?” line! But, I pulled his hand and yelled “No, thank you!”
    I hope you are feeling better. Remember – never make eye contact and act like your ears don’t work!

  5. I hope you are feeling better. Hmmm, all the more reason to stay out of malls, they are scary places.

  6. Oh, jeez. That’s weird and scary. Ugh. I wonder what is in that stuff?

  7. those vendors at the mall are very agressive. i hate the nail buffers and the $300 dollar hair straighteners. strangely the ones offering the straighteners are all young men with long hair.

  8. yes, i’m ALWAYS awake these days.

    i think you were overcome by the attention of a woman. I get this way when a good-looking man pays attention to me.