Dead legs again
This morning was supposed to be a 5 mile pace run. Normally that would mean 8:00 pace. That just didn’t happen today. Dead legs. Freezing cold (totally underdressed for the wind). Just nothing inside me. I walked for a while after 2 miles. Then jogged. Then walked. Walked. Walked. Jogged. I ran the last 1.5 miles, which felt ok, until I stopped. Then I wanted to drop.
At this point I usually list all the reasons why my running sucked today. Which is stupid. No point in doing that because 1) it unlikely I will be able to change any of if or 2) its all just random crap that came together anyway and ruined the run.
I want to also say that I hate my neighbor’s dogs. If you are a dog owner, please turn away because I’m going to say bad things about dogs.
My stupid neighbors put their STUPID dogs outside on the porch at night. And the STUPID dogs bark and howl ALL NIGHT LONG. Last night they barked until 11:30 PM, and that’s when I fell unconscious. I was woken up at 2:00 AM by, you guesed it, the f-ing barking dogs. If they hear any noise at all, they howl and bark for 30 minutes without stopping. They bark when I pull in the driveway, or open the garage door, or walk outside, or flush the f-ing toilet!
Oh, and my neighbor was saying her kids complain that the dogs keep them awake at night. Oh really? So very sorry. No really, I really really really feel bad for you. Alot. Yeah.
And DON’T even think about saying “Oh, but they keep burglars away from your house.” Because they only keep burglars away from THEIR house. My house would be perfect to break into because nobody would think anything about hearing those STUPID dogs barking because they bark at EVERYTHING.
My first day in the new house, the STUPID dogs came charging over, growling and barking at me in my own yard. A few weeks later they came over and started growling and barking at me while I grilling chicken. I gave them some chicken skin, thinking maybe they would think I was a friend. Nope. Still growled after eating the chicken. Next time they get THE FORK!
I have no tolerance for those dogs anymore. Every night, I say a prayer that a giant meteorite will fall from the sky and crush them into pulp. I hope they get ring worms, heart worms, hook worms, fleas, rabies, TB, mange, diarhea, and ripped to shreds by a pack of wild coyotes. I hope they get stuck on the electric fence in the winter and freeeze to death while being electrocuted. I hope they choke to death at their next meal. I hope they step into a giant hornets nest and get stung 50,000 times. I hope the horse kicks them so hard, they turn inside out. I hope they get caught on fire the next time they do a burning pile next door. I hope they fall asleep in the middle of the road just before the grader comes through.
Death is too good for those dogs.
April 16th, 2005 10:37
Jon: Could you BE any funnier. I read this aloud to my wife Lori and we both laughed out loud.
So, just so I’m clear - what you are saying is you kinda hate those dogs?
April 16th, 2005 13:10
Don’t get mad, get even! Buy yourself some firecrackers and as your up anyway, sneak over and set them off under the enemies bedroom window. Do this ’til the enemy loses enough sleep to get your message!! If all else fails it’ll scare the CRAP out of the dogs ’cause THEY HATE loud noises. Make haste and be SNEAKY, don’t get caught!!!!
April 16th, 2005 15:45
You’re the funniest guy, Jon! I empathize with you because I have CATS in my neighbourhood that I dream of ways to torture … but I hadn’t dreamed of the horse kicking them and turning them inside out ….
You could stick a sticker on the dog that says “I was at Jon’s and I survived … this time…”
April 16th, 2005 18:20
I just read this to my dad and he has a solution for you. He suggests, grilling some hamburgers loaded with ex-lax. Feed them as many as they can eat and send them home happy. His guess is that by the next day, the owners will get rid of them.
Sound good?
April 17th, 2005 05:01
Woof woof! Jon, I never knew you had such sharp teeth!
Next time you give the nice doggies some chicken, make sure it’s like about a month old. ;)
April 17th, 2005 05:57
I get you on the crappy run. I think I have about one of those a week! I’m glad I don’t live near you - I lose enough sleep with out stupid dogs taking the rest! I think you left distemper out of your dog-curse, just in case you need another nasty to wish on them.
April 17th, 2005 09:23
Sorry that you had such a rotten run yesterday, Jon. At least you have a reason - sometimes they just randomly suck. I’m still surprised when I see people talk about cold though, since I’m already dreading it getting any hotter.
April 17th, 2005 09:42
No Scooby Do for you huh … now for something completely different, Paula Radcliffe won the London Flora Marathon this morning … 2.17.42!
April 17th, 2005 15:59
Dogs that bark. I have them but keep them inside at night. When I’ve lived under similar circumstances I found that if I was awakened, there was no reason in the world to not confirm that the neighbor’s were aware that I’d been awakened; and to make sure they knew their dogs were barking, in case they happened to have slept through the canine oratory. Even if they’re not barking, a few middle of the night phone calls for no reason at all can be convincing. “Sorry; I misdialed.”
If you want to make another call, try the code enforcement folks. There must be some kind of ordinance to protect you.
And, by the way, I had a crappy running week too. So did Rachel.
April 17th, 2005 17:49
so…you don’t like the dogs right?!
April 17th, 2005 18:18
I was laughing out loud during this post?I had to read it to my sister. :)
April 17th, 2005 19:27
I’m sensing some bitterness.
April 17th, 2005 19:37
yep, barking dogs suck big time,, tho we have no neighbors close enough to hear them,, if our dogs start barking,, we usuallly fire the shotgun off the step,,,:) keeps dogs and coyotes from howling. lol wouldnt you get a reputation if you started doing THAT!!!!
Sorry your run was so crappy,, but then your week(s) have been so hectic,, Im thinking its catching up to you.. stay healthy
Heather
April 17th, 2005 21:13
Do a Netscape revrese search on their address if you need their phone number.
http://wp.netscape.com/netcenter/whitereverse.html?cp=tec_1b
April 18th, 2005 09:23
Hilarious, Jon, thanks for a good start to this morning. Pepsi came out of my nose but it’s ok. I think you left the best bad thing that could happen to those nasty canines - A BIG FAT PORCUPINE!!! with a million quills.
Can you tell I don’t exactly love dogs either.
April 18th, 2005 23:18
Skunk could work, too…
April 25th, 2005 00:10
This is the first time I’ve read your blog and you had me rolling on the floor. I’m a dog owner and I did not take offense to what you said. My dogs don’t bark much but my neighbors do and it drives me fucking crazy. Just remember it’s not really the animals fault; the owners let them get this way. Call the authorities… I would in a heartbeat. At all hours of the night. Repeatedly. In my area if they get too many complaints they take the owners to court.
September 1st, 2005 20:01
[...] ankly I was just dumbfounded that Jonah would growl at her and I didn’t want to risk Jon’s wrath by being a bad dog owner…but I didn’t believ [...]