Training for my next race, making chocolate, and trying not to mix the two too much.
I got pummeled again today. Seems like Mondays are the worst. After a long weekend of not demoralizing someone, he has to come back and pound on me.
I’ve lost all motivation for anything. My chest pain is back. My shoulders ache. I have a hard time swallowing now.
I wish I could find another place to work but I can’t. I’m stuck. I hate my life.
My boss is a horrible person. He is evil. He tries hard to bully his employees and destroy their morale. He is succeeding. I hate him more than I’ve ever hated anyone in my life.
The stress is killing me. I can’t sleep at night (it’s 4 am now). I can’t be happy at home. All I think about is work. I am terrified of making a mistake and then being humiliated publicly by him. I’m irritable and miserable to be with. I can’t shake it off.
Worst of all, I have nobody to talk to about it.
I was bullied in school and now I’m bullied as an adult. I have no options and life sucks.
I realized today that the evil people always win. We tell ourselves that bad karma will come around to get them, but it never does. Never. That’s just a bedtime story we tell ourselves so we don’t have to face the horrible truth: Evil always wins.
I hope my boss dies in a car crash. I hope he gets cancer and dies a horrible painful death. I hope tragedy, death, and despair plague his life and the lives of all of his relatives and descendents for eternity.
I’ve had a good week running. Not to fast but I’ve been out there every day. I took Saturday off and did a longer run today (only 5 miles). I’m a little tired from it.
The extra weight is slowly coming off again. I’m down six pounds as of today, although it was a two pound drop from yesterday, so I’m suspicious. Sometimes if I don’t drink enough water I get a big drop the next day.
Still using My Fitness Pal, which does a nice job of tracking calories. When I have a long run day, I get a giant lump to consume. Back when I was doing 10-15 mile long runs, I had to split the calories up over three days because there was no was I could eat all that in one day. It helped me get through the next day when I was taking a rest day. It all averaged out I guess.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about work and life and how the two seem to conflict. I’ve become very stressed about work and it has interfered with my sleep and general happiness at home. There is one individual who has caused me a lot of grief and I find that I end up thinking about things they have said and done, over and over.
I remember this scenario well, from when I was bullied in high school.
I became obsessed with thinking of the things I would do and say differently, but when I got into the real situation I just hid. The problem is that the bully never has much to lose, and they know that if you take a stand you have a lot to lose. So they exploit that. As it continued, I started to fantasize about coming across them in a horrible accident, and then walking away, leaving them to suffer and die.
One time, one of the bullies stabbed me in the side with a drawing compass. Then he wanted me to show him the hole it made! The person at work is like that. They don’t use a compass, but the pain is just as hurtful, and then they want to talk about it.
I know it’s bad karma to wish horrible things upon other people, but I still do. The person that bullies me? I hope that disease, pain, fear, disappointment, tragedy, anguish, and death plague him, his family, and all his descendents, for all time.
Not very nice of me. But I’m tired of it. And I deserve better than to be treated like that.
Sorry for not responding to comments. I used to be so good about that. Now I’m lazy and lame and this blog will be dead soon. :(
So thank you to Danielle, Lindsay, Juls, MG, Deene (where ever you are in the blog world), and Amy, for commenting. :)
I’ve been running this week, after gaining back the 18 pounds I lost last fall. Just stupid crazy. Sitting on my butt eating A LOT of bread has not been good.
But I did manage to run 5 days. My legs felt like lead by Friday so I took yesterday off. I really want to run today, just need to get my butt out the door and do it.
I’ve had a hard time lately staying away from online RPG’s. One in particular. I haven’t been on in at least 6 months. It’s very hard to avoid. Songs and shows on Netflix remind me of it. I guess I miss the instant interaction that comes from it. I type and people respond. Maybe that’s the draw of Farcebook over blogs. Instant response.
Speaking of blogs, now that Google Reader is dead, I wonder how many people will stop reading blogs all together. I haven’t picked up a new reader yet, so all the blogs that I tracked before are just floating out there. Maybe I need to let them go too.
I’ve been working on the two novels a little bit. I have a horrendous aversion to reading, and writing sometimes goes along with that. I think about the main project all the time, running over dialog and moving characters around in scenes. But I haven’t had a lot of success actually transposing that into written form. I get this tight ache in my chest when I sit down and try to type it.
It’s funny (strange, not ha-ha). I know my two lead characters so well, I could tell you precisely how they would react in every situation, inside the project and outside. I know their histories and thoughts, even though none of it appears in the project. I just need to put the story together and let them walk through it. I know that sounds odd, but I fell like once I know what’s going to happen around them, their “natural” reactions will carry the rest of the project.
I’ve been using Scrivener (did I mention this?). It’s drafting software that helps you organize and format your projects. Tremendously useful. There is a free version but for $30 it was worth sending the money for the official version. When you find good freeware and they ask for a donation, why not send it?
So Scrivener obviously does words counts, which it kinda nice. I have about 38,000 words now, which is a only a few thousand more than a few months ago, which is lame and pathetic. The November project (which lasted a week) has about 10,000 words. Considering the November project was only 5 days, it’s even more lame that it was already at 10K words, since I’ve been working on the other one for almost 2 years now. Two years! Seriously?
What I really need is time alone. I need like two weeks of just me and nothing else. No work. No house. No people. Just time to sit and write without distractions.
But there are always things to fix. Errands to run. People to assist. Is this why the successful writers are neurotic and live alone in the woods? Maybe that’s what you have to do. Writing is hard work. I haven’t even gotten to the editing part where you decide what is trash and what can stay.
In other news, I have a race next month. Work paid the registration fee for a bunch of us because it’s a local race. Very nice. I have a bout 3 weeks now to lose 20 pounds and regain the speed I had last fall. Doable.
Not. Sigh.
Maybe lose 3 pounds and not embarrass myself in front of coworkers.
Running sucks as a form of weight loss. All this things you need to do for diet, are entirely contrary to running. Fewer carbs. Try to eat only 200 calories of pasta the night before a race. It won’t happen, or you run like poop. But if I eat the carbs, I just go overboard and crave them like crazy.
It’s not like I’m on some stupid low-carb diet. 50% of my calories come from carbs. I’m just trying to keep it from being 80%.
So back to writing and, hopefully, running today. I hope everyone had a good weekend. I will write again soon.
December 22nd 2003 was my first blog post. Something about trying out running. Hmmm.
Nine years is a long time. The writing was very intense for a long time, mostly because blogs were the only way to communicate to the world. Now with Farcebook, Twittler, and dumblr, blogs seem to have fallen by the wayside. It’s kind of sad. None of the current social media sites hold much content.
While useful and entertaining, there really isn’t much depth to the most common social media sites. When I first started reading blogs, I met a woman whose father was dying of cancer, and an awkward 14 year-oldl girl who struggled to fit in, and a guy who wanted to be a real life super hero. Nine years later, their lives have changed so much. The woman who lost her father, fell in love and moved to England. That awkward girl got married to a musician and now they have a beautiful baby. And the super hero? He wrote a book about networking that made the New York Times best-seller list. I would never have seen any of that from other types of media.
Over the past nine years I’ve met so many of the bloggers in person. And some of them I’ve never seen face to face. I know this will all end eventually, as all things do. I hope that I can keep writing for a while. I know that I’ve slacked off, because it’s so much easier to throw 143 characters into a small text box and not think about anything important to say. Just trivia, silly comments, and emoticons. Dreadful.
So nine years. Hoping I can make it to ten. Even if I don’t. Thank you for reading, whomever is still out there.
I decided to do NaNoWriMo (did I spell that correctly?). Basically, you write a 50,000 words novel in the month of November. 1700 words a day on average. Its not so easy. This would be first draft of course. I’m on track so far, but I still need to write today and my wife is due home any minute. Likely she will be annoyed by my ignoring her.
“Sorry, Honey, but I have to write my amazing mass produced novel.”
The couch is still a very comfortable place to sleep, albeit a bit lonely.
In other news, I’ve gotten slack on my diet and can feel myself getting pudgy again. I had the slowest run I’ve had in weeks just this morning. So, I went back to My Fitness Pal and started tracking the food again. I cannot be trusted to self-monitor at this point. In the morning I will do the weigh-in, no matter how painful it may be.
I guess my posts are getting sporadic again. Sigh.
Let’s see, I ran a race and got 2nd in my age group.
I was pretty pleased with this. Not so much about placing (because it was a VERY small race) but because my time was 21:34, just shy of my 5K PR (21:16). Sadly, in this one I was not able to run faster than all the children. Two 6th graders still beat me. Grrrr.
In other news, I went camping in the High Peaks region of the Adirondacks. Camped at Marcy Dam and hiked to Avalanche Lake, which is a very cool place if you ever get a chance to go.
In sad news, an old friend from high school died from cancer this past weekend. I last spoke to her earlier in the summer when I went to see the SCA folks play with swords and armor. She had brought me there and introduced me to people, but she was linked to me on LinkedIn and Farcebook. I knew she had been ill and had recently had a setback, but I didn’t realize she was that ill. I think nobody else realized either. We said our final goodbyes to her tonight and I will miss her. I just can’t believe she is gone forever.
So back again. Things are clearer these days. Running is going ok. I have a 5K next weekend, although my son’s crew race got moved to the same weekend, so I may have to miss the 5K. Not sure.
I finally climbed Mt. Algonquin, which is the second highest peak in NY State. We had rain and high winds at the top so a very messy hike all the way around. People on the trail were so badly dressed. If they got hurt on this steep slippery climb, they might be in very big trouble waiting for help to arrive.
The rain made all my camera shots cloudy, and the clouds hid the nice view of the fall colors in peak season, but I managed to dry the lens with toilet paper for one nice shot.
Yes, no good deed goes unpunished. I’m not allowed to be happy ever. The moment I have a good day, the world collapses until I am miserable, and then everyone else can be happy again. Awesome.