Groundhog Day

That movie has to be my favorite of all time. If I were stuck on a desert island and could only have one movie to watch, it would be that one.

I’m writing about this because I had an epiphany (yet again) tonight.

In Groundhog Day, Phil Conners goes through several stages of behavior while he is repeating the same day over and over. He goes from shock, to panic, to excitement, to boredom, to depression, and finally to resolution.

The thing that triggered the resolution (and no, it was not getting Andie McDowell into bed) was Phil changing himself. Phil spent most of the time, trying to manipulate the environment around him for very selfish reasons. It wasn’t until he actually changed himself, that the world began to change for him (I think Harold Raimus (sp?) said that it was about seven months that Phil spent repeating the same day over and over).

So here I am, repeating the same dreadful day over and over. Do I have to change me? I think so. I don’t want that to be the answer. If I do that, then it feels like defeat. It’s like (very much like!) the bully punching you in the face every day. You can’t do anything about it. And then you think “Hey, if I just learn to like it, then it will be ok.” Seems like defeat to me.

But sadly, it seems like that is the only way.

I remember someone talking discrimination or racism or some type of oppressive system. And they asked people what would they be doing in their lives if there was no oppression/racism/discrimination. The people said they would be getting educated, building communities, reaching out to each other for support. Then they asked the people “So, why aren’t you doing those things now?”

Yeah. Why am I not doing those things now?

it’s like TV

Did you ever notice that when you watch a TV Sitcom (or even a serious show with a comical situation), when people are arguing, it can be kinda funny. The characters are angry and frustrated, but it’s funny because we are on the outside. Yet, if we were inside (as one of the characters?), it would be serious and not so funny. Just like when it happens in real life, no matter how silly the situation, it’s not funny at all.

What if we were always on the outside looking in at ourselves? What would it feel like then?

curious

Today I watched him pacing frantically in the corner when I would not look at him. I was talking to someone before a meeting and usually that is the time he strikes. He will usually glare at me until I walk over to him and ask what he wants. Not today. As I spoke with the other person, I watched him walk in little circles back and forth like a dog in a cage. It was crazy.

a powerful day

Today I felt very good. I had the weekly confrontational meeting but it went very differently from before. As an observer (in my head) rather than the victim, the behavior was so much more amusing than painful. He was still an evil, condescending, and insulting person but the insults rolled off this time, because the behavior is so expected.

Every comment, every mannerism seems so overt to me now. The little head-games that baffled me, now look like silly schoolyard games. Until I came to expect it and know what to look for, it always shocked me. It was that shock that threw me off guard and got my defenses up. Once I began acting defensively, I would spend the entire time running. And that was killing me.

At least this time, at least today, I was not running. I was walking around outside the circle. And he couldn’t see me there, he could only see the person inside the circle. And that was no longer me.

James T. Kirk is quoted as saying “If you can’t win the game, change the rules.” (although admittedly, I have yet to find that precise quote). Still, I like it, and that is what I am following now. There was a show I saw once where two people were playing chess (this may have been Star Trek too). One person had continuously beat the other one, and the loser was becoming very frustrated and was doubting their abilities. Someone suggested that they change their strategy, which they did. At the next game, the other opponent finally jumps up in disgust and yells at the loser, stomping off in a huff. The loser explained that he changed his strategy so that he was no longer trying to wing, but merely trying not to lose. It seemed applicable to this situation.

breakthrough this weekend

My eyes are open.

He can’t touch me any more.

These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

reading

I’ve been spending time reading online about “bully bosses” and mobbing. It’s really amazing how well they describe my situation. Things I thought were in my head, they list out specifically. I was sure about a lot of things that were bad, but unsure of others until I read the various sites.

The sites spelled out specific patterns of behavior, and listed the steps in the process. It often starts with the bully befriending the target, once the target has been selected. This is used to gain the target’s trust to get them to reveal personal information which can be exploited later. One site even went so far as to call this “grooming”.

They made a very clear distinction between the “tough” boss and the “bully” boss. The main one is that the bully’s objective is to demoralize and destroy the self esteem of the target. The tough boss wants results but does not demoralize. This is because the tough boss get satisfaction from success in the job, and the bully boss gets satisfaction from destroying his target.

The most frightening statistic that I saw repeated over and over, is that after the target is chosen, there is a 70% in the next 2 years that the target will either be fired, quit, or commit suicide. The next target is then chosen, usually within 2-14 days. And the cycle repeats.

There’s more to it. But this is enough for now. I feel better seeing that there are others out there going though what I am, and that this situation and this person is not unique. There are recovery strategies and ways to cope, to bring yourself back from the brink and take your life back.

It’s not me. It’s him.

Still down

I got pummeled again today. Seems like Mondays are the worst. After a long weekend of not demoralizing someone, he has to come back and pound on me.

I’ve lost all motivation for anything. My chest pain is back. My shoulders ache. I have a hard time swallowing now.

I wish I could find another place to work but I can’t. I’m stuck. I hate my life.

I hate my boss

My boss is a horrible person. He is evil. He tries hard to bully his employees and destroy their morale. He is succeeding. I hate him more than I’ve ever hated anyone in my life.

The stress is killing me. I can’t sleep at night (it’s 4 am now). I can’t be happy at home. All I think about is work. I am terrified of making a mistake and then being humiliated publicly by him. I’m irritable and miserable to be with. I can’t shake it off.

Worst of all, I have nobody to talk to about it.

I was bullied in school and now I’m bullied as an adult. I have no options and life sucks.

I realized today that the evil people always win. We tell ourselves that bad karma will come around to get them, but it never does. Never. That’s just a bedtime story we tell ourselves so we don’t have to face the horrible truth: Evil always wins.

I hope my boss dies in a car crash. I hope he gets cancer and dies a horrible painful death. I hope tragedy, death, and despair plague his life and the lives of all of his relatives and descendents for eternity.

More running

I’ve had a good week running. Not to fast but I’ve been out there every day. I took Saturday off and did a longer run today (only 5 miles). I’m a little tired from it.

The extra weight is slowly coming off again. I’m down six pounds as of today, although it was a two pound drop from yesterday, so I’m suspicious. Sometimes if I don’t drink enough water I get a big drop the next day.

Still using My Fitness Pal, which does a nice job of tracking calories. When I have a long run day, I get a giant lump to consume. Back when I was doing 10-15 mile long runs, I had to split the calories up over three days because there was no was I could eat all that in one day. It helped me get through the next day when I was taking a rest day. It all averaged out I guess.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about work and life and how the two seem to conflict. I’ve become very stressed about work and it has interfered with my sleep and general happiness at home. There is one individual who has caused me a lot of grief and I find that I end up thinking about things they have said and done, over and over.

I remember this scenario well, from when I was bullied in high school.

I became obsessed with thinking of the things I would do and say differently, but when I got into the real situation I just hid. The problem is that the bully never has much to lose, and they know that if you take a stand you have a lot to lose. So they exploit that. As it continued, I started to fantasize about coming across them in a horrible accident, and then walking away, leaving them to suffer and die.

One time, one of the bullies stabbed me in the side with a drawing compass. Then he wanted me to show him the hole it made! The person at work is like that. They don’t use a compass, but the pain is just as hurtful, and then they want to talk about it.

I know it’s bad karma to wish horrible things upon other people, but I still do. The person that bullies me? I hope that disease, pain, fear, disappointment, tragedy, anguish, and death plague him, his family, and all his descendents, for all time.

Not very nice of me. But I’m tired of it. And I deserve better than to be treated like that.

I’m still alive

Sorry for not responding to comments. I used to be so good about that. Now I’m lazy and lame and this blog will be dead soon. :(

So thank you to Danielle, Lindsay, Juls, MG, Deene (where ever you are in the blog world), and Amy, for commenting.  :)

I’ve been running this week, after gaining back the 18 pounds I lost last fall. Just stupid crazy. Sitting on my butt eating A LOT of bread has not been good.

But I did manage to run 5 days. My legs felt like lead by Friday so I took yesterday off. I really want to run today, just need to get my butt out the door and do it.

I’ve had a hard time lately staying away from online RPG’s. One in particular. I haven’t been on in at least 6 months. It’s very hard to avoid. Songs and shows on Netflix remind me of it. I guess I miss the instant interaction that comes from it. I type and people respond. Maybe that’s the draw of Farcebook over blogs. Instant response.

Speaking of blogs, now that Google Reader is dead, I wonder how many people will stop reading blogs all together. I haven’t picked up a new reader yet, so all the blogs that I tracked before are just floating out there. Maybe I need to let them go too.

I’ve been working on the two novels a little bit. I have a horrendous aversion to reading, and writing sometimes goes along with that. I think about the main project all the time, running over dialog and moving characters around in scenes. But I haven’t had a lot of success actually transposing that into written form. I get this tight ache in my chest when I sit down and try to type it.

It’s funny (strange, not ha-ha). I know my two lead characters so well, I could tell you precisely how they would react in every situation, inside the project and outside. I know their histories and thoughts, even though none of it appears in the project. I just need to put the story together and let them walk through it. I know that sounds odd, but I fell like once I know what’s going to happen around them, their “natural” reactions will carry the rest of the project.

I’ve been using Scrivener (did I mention this?). It’s drafting software that helps you organize and format your projects. Tremendously useful. There is a free version but for $30 it was worth sending the money for the official version. When you find good freeware and they ask for a donation, why not send it?

So Scrivener obviously does words counts, which it kinda nice. I have about 38,000 words now, which is a only a few thousand more than a few months ago, which is lame and pathetic. The November project (which lasted a week) has about 10,000 words. Considering the November project was only 5 days, it’s even more lame that it was already at 10K words, since I’ve been working on the other one for almost 2 years now. Two years! Seriously?

What I really need is time alone. I need like two weeks of just me and nothing else. No work. No house. No people. Just time to sit and write without distractions.

But there are always things to fix. Errands to run. People to assist. Is this why the successful writers are neurotic and live alone in the woods? Maybe that’s what you have to do. Writing is hard work. I haven’t even gotten to the editing part where you decide what is trash and what can stay.

In other news, I have a race next month. Work paid the registration fee for a bunch of us because it’s a local race. Very nice. I have a bout 3 weeks now to lose 20 pounds and regain the speed I had last fall. Doable.

Not. Sigh.

Maybe lose 3 pounds and not embarrass myself in front of coworkers.

Running sucks as a form of weight loss. All this things you need to do for diet, are entirely contrary to running. Fewer carbs. Try to eat only 200 calories of pasta the night before a race. It won’t happen, or you run like poop. But if I eat the carbs, I just go overboard and crave them like crazy.

It’s not like I’m on some stupid low-carb diet. 50% of my calories come from carbs. I’m just trying to keep it from being 80%.

So back to writing and, hopefully, running today. I hope everyone had a good weekend. I will write again soon.