How to Run Faster

Posted by Filed Under: Running is Funny

superspeed vitaminsType that phrase into Google and you get 43,000 hits (plus 48 videos). But who wants to go through all those agonizing drills? Here are 10 surefire ways to improve your speed.

  1. Switch to the metric system. You’re running 5k and 10k races. Why are you telling people your mile splits? “Dude, I ran 6:12s the whole way!”
  2. Join the Keystone Kops.
  3. Change your apparel. While pasting wings on your heels will only make you look faster, stitching together a pair of bacon shorts and running past a pack of stray dogs will increase your pace significantly.
  4. Try the Marion Jones program. The downside to this approach is that it could take you from the Fastest Woman on Earth to the Fastest Woman in the federal prison in Fort Worth, Texas.
  5. Attach JATO bottles.
  6. Use the Six Million Dollar Method. If running in slow motion made Steve Austin super-fast, why not you?
  7. Suffer a freak accident. Unintentionally inhale “heavy water vapors” or stand too close to chemical beakers struck by lightning.
  8. Buy the fine products of the Acme Corporation. You can try the Super Speed Vitamins or the Hi-Speed Tonic with vitamins R, P and M.
  9. Chase a celebrity runner. Running just behind Anna Kournikova will get you down to the 7:15 range while hanging with Lance Armstrong will improve you to 6:30 or better.
  10. Run faster by, uh, running faster. That is to say, you increase speed the same way you increase distance. When you first got off the couch, you didn’t go out and do a steady six miles, did you? If you’re like me, you ran about 200 yards and stopped to put your lungs back into your chest. The basis of all speedwork is to run short—even tiny—distances at a faster pace than you can currently manage over longer distances.

Just as your body got used to running further, it will get used to running faster. With patience and determination, you’ll eventually marry the two together, hopefully on race day.

If all else fails, just claim you are a victim of time dilation.

About Mike Antonucci

I ran 6-minute miles when I was in the military, then tapered for 20 years. Two-time marathoner (3:43 PR), my next goal is to stay healthy enough to run another. There are literally thousands of people handing out running advice and serious tips. I prefer to focus on the humorous or odd facets of our shared obsession. Let's face it, running is funny.

  1. Duff on May 9th at 5:27 am

    I am a master of the Steve Austin method. Especially at the end of marathons. I had a picture of me taken at mile 26 of the 2007 Cleveland Marathon. I looked faster in the picture than I was actually going. I was also hearing that nananana sound. It may have been a stroke but I would like to think it was my suddenly bionic limbs.
    The Acme link was a great help. I was in need of an anvil for strength training. If chase a bird through the desert while carrying and anvil I will get faster when I am not carrying it.

    Duff’s last blog post..The Road to Cleveland: What is an extra hour?

  2. Mom On The Run on May 9th at 7:50 am

    LOL – great article! I wonder when Lance is available to run with me?

  3. Run For Life on May 9th at 5:16 pm

    Haha, great article! I loved numbers 3 and 8 specifically.

    Run For Life’s last blog post..Battle of the Lower Legs & a FREE bike!

  4. Audrey on May 10th at 3:25 am

    I’m convinced that shaving my legs makes me run faster. Streamlining and all that! LOL.

    Audrey’s last blog post..Another Quiet Week

  5. How to Run Faster | on May 12th at 2:19 pm

    […] all those agonizing drills? Here are 10 surefire ways to improve your speed” Read more at Written by Mike Antonucci If you liked this, you may want to subscribe to the RSS feed and get […]